pollyanna's world

Just Realized...

2011-07-17T17:31:00.001-07:00

I read a story in the paper yesterday about a woman who was celebrating the 25th anniversary of her discovery of some cure for some disease and it made me realize that I was harboring the hopes of someday doing something phenomenal like that. I didn't realize I was harboring that hope before I read that article. But there it was...in there a little bit. And I realized I was almost ready to let that one go. That I would never accomplish something amazing like find a cure for a disease, make significant changes in the world or universe. Almost ready to let that one go.

But then I also realized that I would never put on a backpack and walk around in Europe, would never roam from hostel-to-hostel. That I would never travel by hitchhiking across the States. I realized that I would never drop acid, never run the Boston marathon, and would always regret that I didn't get to Woodstock.

Not feeling my mortality but just making note of things that are past their prime in my life.

And so it goes...peace~~~

We Get By With a Little Help From Our Friends

2011-07-07T11:08:00.000-07:00

A good Internet friend has been going through tough times. She lost her job and lost her house. Fortunately she is a strong well-centered woman who has great friends. One great friend gave her a home to live on her property. The property is great with horses and dogs and lots of space. Unfortunately the house isn't spacious. My friend moved from a three-bedroom home to a one-bedroom cottage. But she painted it up nice and it is cozy! She is starting to readjust and regroup.

I thought she might need some positive energy surrounding her, so I made her this lap quilt. I called it Staying Centered, because we all need reminding on occasion. I hope the cool calming colors--they remind me of a lush forest somehow--will help her remember how much she is loved.

peace~~

A List of Lasts

2011-06-09T06:21:00.000-07:00

So many things changing. It is surreal to me. I always have summers off, so in some ways this feels like simply finishing up the school year. But the outpouring of cards and little gifts and flowers and parties speak a different story.

Had my last part-time instructor observation and conference two weeks ago.
Attended my last Curricular Committee meeting last Wednesday.
Gave my last lecture last Wednesday.
Gave my last final on Tuesday.
Posted my last grade yesterday.
Wrote my last report today.
Will leave my office for the last time, carrying out my last book and picture and trinket, next Monday.

There are time I stop and wonder what the heck I am doing. But I know this moment of grieving the loss of what was will soon pass and I'll remember the freedom of summer.

Bittersweet.
Surreal.
Excitement will come when the last file is completed and the reality hits.

peace~~

What Goes Up Must Come Down. Spinning Wheel's Got To Go Round

2011-05-22T07:49:00.000-07:00

I have been joining a community education quilting class at the college for the past two terms. I have never taken quilting lessons--everything I have learned, I have learned from books or friends on the Quilting Bee forum (Delphi Forums). But I decided to have some once-in-a-while fun. And sewing with people, chatting, laughing...this is the best of times!

The first term we made bargellos. It was one of those types of quilts that seemed difficult, so perfect for a short class. I made my little piece the best I could, and like it hanging along my stairwell. The next one I make will have more movement, but it was a fun wallhanging.

The this term I have been working with curves. Again, not something I have attempted before. Mostly because I think I am a lazy sewer...curved blocks looked like too much work! But again, I found curves to be relatively easy and had fun with my new quilt.

Most the students decided to use a Drunkard's Path block. I have played with a Drunkard's Path in the past and it is too spiky a pattern for my taste. So I decided to make circles out of multiple colors of batiks. I used Hoffman's Bali batiks because they were on sale with 40% off at my local fabric shop: Fabric Depot (I am FULL of links today, aren't I?).

I decided to make it a standard size, even though I have no double beds. Mostly because I had enough blocks made to do this :) I also decided to have it professionally quilted, mostly because I no longer have the space to quilt anything larger than a twin bed.

Next up for classes? Paper-piecing in the fall! Life is good :)

peace~~

Sign of the Times

2011-05-13T10:54:00.000-07:00

The economy must be picking up!

I heard an advertisement on the radio recruiting for the CIA. It was a glamorous ad, describing all the wonderful world of travel, of meeting interesting people. But it also warned that you couldn't tell your family and friends what you do...

Listen to an ad similar to what I heard (link will open in a new page):
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/video/2011/01/12/VI2011011204971.html

Could this be my next new adventure?
peace~~~

And On to the Next New Thing

2011-05-10T21:54:00.000-07:00

(The final chapter)

The most important part of being a teacher is bringing her passion to the students. It is caring about their learning because you care about their learning. If this passion slips, it is time to leave for there is nothing sadder than an old curmudgeon still teaching because he doesn’t know what else to do. A teacher is someone who holds this love in her heart, who wants others to succeed because she cares about what they do, how they go, what they learn. I recently read an article in the Oregonian about a man who won the NAACP Award for excellence. He was a high school chop teacher and was nominated by one of his students. The student said he deserved this award, not only because he was a good teacher but because he went out of his way to help this student through personal problems and decisions, through the teacher’s guidance. As I read this, I knew he was a teacher at heart. And I also realized about myself that while I used to be this teacher, the energy it takes to follow-through was no longer in me. While the passion and love are in me, the energy to follow through was not as strong. While it is true that I have just this week worked on helping a student who was very ill get her classes together for when she can return to school in the fall. And it is true that I visited her in the hospital and will make her a meal for when she returns home after open-heart surgery. And it is true that I worked with a student, listening to her carefully, and prevented her from filing a grievance against one of my part-time faculty. I still have the drive. But the energy is for those new to the gig. My goal has always been to leave teaching while still at the top of my game. For many years I have watched colleagues stay at PCC too long because they didn’t know what else to do. I have watched some turn bitter against the college and some just walk through the motions. I am still near the top of my game; there is a bit of slippage there now and it is time to leave.

For nearly 30 years I have been privileged to stand in front of students and presented them with information, theory, new skills, shining up rusty skills, and given them a piece of myself. And for nearly 30 years I have continually been infused with energy from these people, learning from them in more depth than they can ever possibly know. And it is time to step down from the classroom. It is time to find something new.

January 7, 1980-June 20, 2011. What an incredible ride! And this journey continues, bringing along with it new adventures…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things:
Of shoes—and ships—and sealing-wax—Of cabbages—and kings—
And why the sea is boiling hot—And whether pigs have wings."

May 1, 2011

To the Dean:

It is with a mixture of emotions that I write to you with my resignation, effective as of June 20, 2011. I have always wanted to leave PCC while I was still at the top of my game; I have reached this moment in my life. I still love what I do, still love doing it, and realize it is time to do something else.

I believe that teaching is one of the most noble of professions. To be a teacher is to have the privilege of sharing ideas and knowledge to others. To help guide students, advise them, work with them and then see the spark of excitement start to ignite their imaginations and creativity. To be a teacher is to wear your passion, dedication, and love of others on your sleeve for all to see. When asked what I do for a living, I have always been able to say with pride, “I am a teacher.”

I have been fortunate to have been able to teach so many hundreds of students at Portland Community College for 25 years. PCC has been a wonderful place to work, from the diversity of students to being able to be with so many people who share my passion. I have had the opportunity to learn so much, gain many lifetime friends, and been able to experience such incredible events. All because I have had the good fortune to work for Portland Community College.

I want to thank the college for entrusting me with so much responsibility: to work with the community, to guide students, to make decisions that can affect so many people’s lives. And I want to thank you for giving me every opportunity for growth, from continuing as department chair for so many years to slipping into your shoes for a year. It has been an honor to work with you these many years and I value our friendship. I would appreciate the opportunity to teach part-time on occasion for I still have a desire to bend students’ minds. I would be open to this possibility in the future.

Again, thank you for your leadership and friendship. I hope both will continue for many years.

Sincerely,
[pollyanna]
Teacher

“But I don't want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked.
“Oh, you can't help that,” said the Cat, “we're all mad here.”

peace~~~

Still Capping

2011-05-08T07:47:00.000-07:00

As department chair, I have had the opportunity to mentor many new faculty. One of the most time-consuming and yet important parts of my position is to sit in classrooms to observe a part-time instructor’s teaching. It takes time, but the best part is the time spent with the instructor afterwards, talking about their teaching style, the things they are doing well, ideas for improving. It is the connection I can make, keeping an open-door policy, letting the part-time instructor know I am here if and when I am needed—that is what makes the task a joy.

I held the position as Interim Division Dean for a year. It was a very successful year as the faculty is extremely talented and work hard at their own crafts. They accomplished a great deal during the year and it seemed that everything they tried, they did well. It was their talents and hard work that brought these honors. My contribution was in creating a team who cared about one another, collaborating across the division together, building on our relationships.

All this remains outside the classroom. The most best delicious part of being a teacher is being inside the classroom. And it is this teaching that I love the most. When I was working with kids in special education, the best part was watching them “get it.” They worked so hard and hopefully the light bulb would come on. This thrill never went away. In college it is exciting to listen to students make the connections, start to think how they use the skills and knowledge for themselves, see the learning, the growth. It is watching the student with barriers learn how to roll with them, roll over them, learn how to deal with the bumps and slings. Each day I fall in love with teaching all over again.

Professor Ben Padrow was my mentor while in college. I was recently contacted by his daughter-in-law, asking for information about Ben as she prepared a portfolio for her Master’s degree program. Unfortunately Ben died long before she could meet him. As I prepared my answers to her questions, I came to remember what made him such a great teacher. Ben had an incredible passion for rhetoric. He brought this passion to his classes every day and assumed that his students held this passion as well. He didn’t question our feelings about speaking; he simply treated us as if we held this same passion. And we did. I compared my own teaching to his and realized that unlike him, I didn’t believe that my students had this same passion. Instead I hoped they did. Like Ben, I treat my students as if they did hold it, but not with the same conviction as Ben. Once again, he taught me something important. I may be surprised that students don’t hold the same love of speaking, but accept they may not…Ben simply took us to this passion on the wings of his own.

And teaching doesn’t stop as we walk out of the classroom for we never know where we have been a role model, a teacher. I remember once while in the Women’s Room, I heard a woman crying in the stall next to me. I quietly asked her if there was anything I could do. She was quiet for a moment and then said, “No. I’m fine.” A week later a young woman I had met while lecturing in a Sign Language Interpretation class came up to me, telling me that it was her in the stall the week before, and thanked me for my concern. She had recognized my voice when I asked if I could be of help. A year later she returned to the college and told me how much my offer to help, my sense of caring for a stranger, has helped her. It is this type of interaction with students and colleagues that help make this profession such an exhilarating. In 2002, I won an Excellence in Teaching Award. It was such an honor to be nominated and to actually win was incredible.

I returned to teaching after the year of being Interim Division Dean. The transition was not as easy as I thought it would be. The roughness I experienced wasn’t due to leaving the dean position, but rather was due to a combination of losing the connections with faculty I had created as dean and by not re-entering into a traditional classroom. When I returned to teaching it was to teach online courses. Over the past 15 years, I had worked to appropriately bring Public Speaking to the online venue. Initially I was one of two national pioneers of teaching public speaking online—I taught my first online public speaking course in 1997. I say “appropriately” because it could be and I did teach it online, but it wasn’t quite right. The technology was not yet perfected. Percentage-wise, students were as successful as in a traditional classroom, but I was not satisfied with how the students were being taught. I spent the next two years following my return to teaching in a virtual classroom. The amount of work it took to teach this class in what I hoped would be correctly was overwhelming, and it still wasn’t right. It still remained a one-on-one tutoring class. And frankly, doing this online almost broke my spirit. I hated my job as it had no rewards, or the rewards were so few and far between that there was no balance. It was true that I was working well with some students, that I received positive feedback from students. There were some positive “AhHa!” moments for them. But not enough to overcome the actual amount of work to get them there. I finally stepped away from the idea of teaching this course online and returned to a traditional classroom. After two hours on the first day of class, I stepped out of the classroom and felt my heart sing. I was once again in love with my job.

An on and on and on~~~

The Capstone Continues...

2011-04-30T22:45:00.000-07:00

I began teaching college courses as a graduate student at Portland State University and was hired to teach at Portland Community College as a part time instructor before I had finished my Master’s degree. I continued to teach at both PSU and PCC for the next few years, as well as Clark College, and drove from campus, college, teaching site to campus, college and teaching site for about 500 miles a week. I became an educational prostitute: you pay me and I'll teach it. I taught an average of seven classes a term, mostly because I was afraid a class wouldn’t meet and I wouldn’t be able to feed my sons. I continued to work at the neighborhood store. I continued to collect newspapers. My sons grew old enough to have part-time jobs. We were breathing a bit easier by now.

Portland State University offered me a full-time teaching position on a grant. I was the first instructor to be hired in the department without a PhD. As a full-time instructor, I started the group advising sessions for Speech Communication majors, set the parameters for Speech minors and became the adviser for all minors. I juggled some 40 majors under my advisement as well. I stayed busy.

Meanwhile, I continued to teach at PCC, for I didn’t want to lose my classes if the grant money went away. When PCC offered me a temporary one-year teaching position, I hesitated because I didn’t want to lose my full-time position at PSU. But I decided I needed to take the risk—I needed a stable position not relying on grant money. When I told the department chair at PSU I was taking this position, he offered to hold the PSU position open to me if I needed to return. PCC also offered to hold my classes for me if I needed to return as a part time instructor. So I was a risk-taker who didn’t have to take any risks. PCC hired me, through an aggressive national search, as a full-time permanent-track the following year. I was on a tenure-track at last.

I started my tenure at Portland Community College teaching the required five classes and one overload. I also took on the position as the assistant coach to the Forensic Team. This meant I traveled with the speech team to all events, advised them, figured out the team budget, practiced with them, judged events, learning the whole business of Speech and Debate. The following year I became the acting director of the team. Each year we earned honors at nationals—both competing against other community colleges and against four-year colleges. The kids were just this great. Everything we tried, we did well. It was their talents and hard work that brought the honors. It was my guidance that created a team who cared about one another, working together, building on the relationships.

Over my 25 years at PCC, I have worked on many committees and workshops. I was one of the original members of the Diversity committee. I became the chair of the Student Graduation Speaker Selection committee, a position I held for over ten years. I worked on and then became the chair of Art Beat: a week of celebrating the arts, a position I held for ten years. I was a member of the Curriculum committee for many years, sat on the Educational Advisory Council for a few years. I created such courses as Nonverbal Communication, Gender and Communication, and Mass Media and Society for PCC. I created the Journalism program. I presented different topics and workshops for the Teacher Learning Center on campus at least once a year, often more frequently. I was a guest lecturer for many colleagues, from English Speakers of Other Languages classes to the Sign Language Program to Women’s Studies classes. I became the webmistress for the division, including the Forensic team, the Theatre schedule, the Northview Gallery, and Women’s Studies program. In 1994 I became the department chair for Performing Arts and continue to hold this position. In 2010, my chair position was split in half and I remained the chair of Communication Studies, Journalism, and Theatre Arts.

And on and on...

A Capstone

2011-04-28T22:19:00.000-07:00

I once read an interview with Anthony Bourdain, an American chef and author. He said he knows that deep inside him is a lazy hippy who’d be perfectly happy to lay on the couch, smoke weed and watch The Simpsons all day. He said he was afraid of that guy and his whole life was constructed to avoid reverting to him. So his motto has been to “Stay busy. Stay focused. Try not to mess up.” Like Bourdain, I have always been afraid someone would realize I was just this lazy drama queen who was simply sitting around on the couch, stoned every day, watching reruns of Perry Mason. So I have had to keep moving, keep working on hiding that lazy girl from the rest of the world. I finished high school, got pregnant, got married. My sons and I left that abusive marriage for welfare, moving on to find work as a teacher’s assistant in Special Education for Portland Public Schools. I surprised myself, having continually heard what a stupid fat woman I was, that within three years I had created a new position for Portland Public Schools and became the chair of the Special Education teacher aides. And then I stepped off the ledge to go to college at age 28. I wanted to be a Special Education teacher.

As I started classes, I worried that too many brain cells had died and I would not do well in school. After all, my sister was the smart one. So I just kept pushing myself. As an undergraduate student I wrote for the student newspaper, became the editor of the Marketing Association’s newsletter, and was a ghostwriter for a city councilperson, with the articles published in the Portland Observer. I also worked in the Office of Students with Disabilities, worked in the office of Speech Communication, all the while working 20-30 hours a week at a neighborhood market. I also worked as an aide for a man who was a quadriplegic, and in my spare time cooked and cleaned for a sweet little old lady who lived down the street.

It was important for me to graduate in four years—my sons needed me to start earning us a living—so I took 15-18 credit hours a term. I started teaching college courses while I was an undergraduate, even initiating two courses: Barriers to Communication: Communicating with People with Disabilities, and Communication and Obesity. At the end of my four years, I graduated with high honors as well as selected as an outstanding undergraduate student by the Department of Speech Communication. I earned a bachelor’s degree in Speech Communication and in Sociology, with a minor in Journalism. I was selected as the graduation speaker. I had obviously held off that lazy drama queen for a bit. I also no longer wanted to teach in Special Education. I didn't know what I wanted to do, but I knew it wasn't in Special Ed.

I graduated into a poor economy. The joke was, “How many Oregonians does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but 300 applied for the job.” I wanted to move to southern Oregon to live on the Klamath Indian Reservation as a house-sitter, and write as a freelance journalist. My former husband sued me for custody. I won the court battle, but it took such a beating on my sons I gave up this idea. I continued to work at the neighborhood store and earn money in any manner I could. I collected newspapers from the neighbors to turn in for money. I swept the parking lot at the store for $5. I turned in cans, sewed clothes for people, and lived frugally. Over the years as a student and then as a graduate we had our water shut off, heat shut off. We lived on food charged at the neighborhood store—bean and cheese burritos were 49 cents and boxed macaroni and cheese was a dime. We humbly received government cheese, powdered milk, pasta, and butter. When Portland State University called asking if I would be interested in earning a graduate degree as a teaching assistant, I didn’t hesitate. While I had no desire to earn a Master’s degree, I couldn’t overlook that PSU was not only paying for my education, it was paying me to be there. Ironically, out of the five graduate assistants hired my first year, I was initially the only one to complete my degree.

To be continued~~~

Roosters Love Hens

2011-04-06T22:34:00.001-07:00

Made this little wallhanging for a friend who loves roosters. She and her husband have been going through a tough time with illness and aging and, well, illness and aging. So I thought I would make her something fun :)

Problem is that the blue in the body bleed. Pre-washed and added a catcher when I washed it again. Still bleed. Hate to give an excellent quilter something that is not top quality.

But I will :) Sending my friend positive energy~~~

What's Next?

2011-04-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

I'm ready for something new. But I am not sure what yet.

I used to want to be a ballerina but I think that goal might not be appropriate at this time.

I also wanted to be a princess...but I have already surpassed and become a queen.

I could be a singer...except I don't sing well.

I could be a truck driver, visiting people across the nation.

How about a firefighter? Except I just can't do that much any more.

How about a dog trainer? I like dogs.

I don't know what's next. But something new is coming.

Peace~~

Mug Rug Swap

2011-01-23T21:35:00.000-08:00

It has been quite a while since I have participated in a quilting swap with anyone. I have a large group of people on an online quilting forum--The Quilting Bee--on Delphi Forums. I used to swap fabrics or blocks or play Secret Sister. But I just moved away from all the playful activities when my work situation got so crazy. I didn't have the money or patience to play.

So when the Quilting Gallery posted they were doing a Mug Rug swap, I thought it would be a fun and easy swap. The "mug rugs" are 6"x10" quilts that are made to hold a mug of coffee or tea and a muffin or cookies. A quilted snack tray, in a sense. They looked fun and so simple. We are to make two--they don't have to match, coordinate, or even look good together. It can be any design, from a full crazy quilt to a pieced design.

I made they first one in all batiks, appliqueing a circle on the mug side and then piecing stripes on the second side. I decided to use a grey quilting thread and stitch 1/4 from the seams, then around the circle.

The second one I made with a wonky star and a braided chain. I thought about all braided--I really like the beauty of the braiding. But the wonky star called out to me. I decided to stitch in the ditch and discovered I am not longer very good at this skill! Obviously I should SITD more often! Both rugs were made from pieces of scrap, including the little backing.

I will send these off to my secret rug partner, probably Tuesday as I want to write a little note and perhaps find a little Made in Oregon gift. The gift isn't necessary, but it is fun.

So now that I have played a bit, procrastinating writing the exam for tomorrow's class...

peace~~
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Through the Eyes of a Student

2010-10-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

I have been taking some time to reflect lately. It has been a particularly rough three years--physically and emotionally. I needed to take some time to remember my roots, my passions. To remember my life. On Monday I received an email from a stranger, a woman who was doing a paper on leadership for her graduate program. She had seen a post on one of my online lectures that her father-in-law had been my mentor and wanted to ask if I would answer a few questions about his leadership abilities. As he died many years earlier, she felt whatever I had to say would be useful to her and would help his son as well.

I had a wonderful visit with my former mentor. The reflection time allowed me to revisit my own self, my dreams and accomplishments as well.

The majority of my relationship with Ben was as his student in my undergraduate program at Portland State University. Most of what I will tell you is anecdotal as, like most students, I was wrapped up in my own learning and progress.

The picture is following my graduation ceremony. I had wanted my parents and sons to meet Ben. How typical is this picture: student glowing with self-congratulation; mentor glowing with pride in his student.

Because of Ben’s personality, caring, and leadership, I came to share his passion for speaking. To this day I model my classes as he did, teach them in a very similar manner, and always hope to evoke the same joy of speaking publicly. I am a teacher because I love teaching. I am a good teacher because of Ben’s guidance. I am a passionate teacher because I had the role model of Ben Padrow.

This is what I wrote to his daughter-in-law.

Ben was always a hands-on instructor. He had so much knowledge and cared so much about public speaking and rhetoric that he imparted it with decision and passion. He assumed and expected his students would also gain this passion for rhetoric.

When he was working on something, he would present it to the class. I believe he did this for two reasons—preparation and as a model. Oh and the third reason: he loved to perform! His style of speaking, his delivery, his love of the history of this discipline always shined through as he spoke. He was truly a role model for his students.

As a graduate student, I did not take courses from Ben but we would sit and chat when we had time. At this particular moment, I was having a particularly rough term—love interest problems, children problems (I was a returning student with two small children) and the cherry on top was that I had just taken a tough exam in another course that I had decided I had failed. He allowed me to sit in his office and rant and rave at myself, how I was failing, how I didn’t have it in me.

After I started winding down with my ranting, he gave me sage advice. Never one to soft-soap his ideas, he said (and this is a direct quote remembered after 30 years), “After you have stopped flogging yourself, ask yourself what you have learned from this [experience].” Whoa. That stopped me in my tracks and allowed me to see that I can do anything by learning from my mistakes. It also taught me I could take a few moments and lick my wounds before I move forward. I have used this same advice for my sons as they grew up and for my students and colleagues.

On Ben’s nomination, I was selected as the graduate speaker for graduation for my undergraduate degrees (I graduated with two degrees and one minor—I was a returning woman student overachiever). It was an honor—that the college trusted me, but above all that Ben thought I was a worthy speaker. He also gave a speech that year at graduation.

Even though he had his own stuff to deal with, he promised to help me get comfortable using a microphone and talking to such a large crowd. What I liked about Ben was he rarely asked me to change what I wanted to say. He rarely said to do this or do that; he simply would ask me what I wanted to accomplish by what I was doing. As I practiced my speech using a mic in front of him, he asked me this question in a couple of places. It was afterward when I went home and looked at my speech that I could then see what he was asking. I tweaked my speech.

Ben gave me (and many other students—not a unique thing just to me) a card that said I was now a card-carrying member of the human race and worthy of all rights granted to me as such. It was a hokey little card, but it was handed to me with such care. It was something important to Ben and thus it became important to me. I carried this card with me until it began to tatter. I then removed it from my wallet and put it in my treasure box.

Ben believed in me, as he believed in many of his students. His desire for us to succeed was obvious. His desire for us to set forth something important for the future was obvious. In this, we all have come together.

peace~~

Quilting Gallery Contest

2010-10-14T21:28:00.000-07:00

I made this quilt for my step daughter when she was having a hard time. It is a scrappy quilt that I named "Make Happy." I have entered a picture of this quilt in a contest on the Quilting Gallery. They have a weekly contest that people view the entries and vote for their favorite.

If you like this quilt, I would appreciate it if you would take a moment to vote for it. Voting is from Friday, October 15 through Sunday October 17.

The URL is http://quiltinggallery.com/tag/weekly-themed-quilt-contest/

Thank You!
peace~~~
.

Some Gifties for My Friends

2010-09-06T12:52:00.001-07:00

Each year (this is the second annual) on Facebook (Doris Werkman is my other name) I have a giftie giveaway. I post in March that the first five friends who respond to the post will get something made by me. The first year I had seven people respond, so I made seven different gifts. This year I also had seven. I work on these things over the summer and then in the end of August or first of September I show them off. Here are this year's gifts.

This is a wallhanging for my friend kammie in the Bay Area.

This welcome banner is for my friend in Washington.

This is a bookcover for my friend Debbie in Lousiana.

These are candle mats for my friend in Missouri.

These are coasters for my friend in Missouri.

This is a shopping bag for my friend in Portland (she has to fill it herself!).

These are tea towels for my friend in Michigan.

I'll be doing this again next March!
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It's All About Summer

2010-09-04T07:07:00.000-07:00

I love summer. I love the smell of summer, the long hot days, sunshine. I love the freedom summer brings. The days stay around long enough to allow adventures to happen. Even if they don't happen, the potential is there. Games played with the rules changing after dark. Swinging high enough to touch your toes to the tree leaves. Green and yellow and flowers laughing in the sun. Friends and family spontaneously visiting, staying for hot dogs. Laughter until it is too dark to see one another. Swimming and camping and just being.

Fall is nature grieving the loss of summer. Winter is just there...waiting for summer to arrive again. And spring is hopeful, celebrating summer's soon arrival.

And then there is summer again and sunshine and laughter.
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Benign!

2010-07-02T22:01:00.000-07:00

Finally received the pathology report. Benign!

Now I have to tell you, getting this news was not easy. The arrogant surgeon decided the news wasn't important enough to call me and tell me. Instead he apparently has mailed the info to me. It was only my calling multiple places trying to find the news that I heard.

I don't like this doctor. How rude!

peace~~

Successful Surgery

2010-07-02T05:21:00.000-07:00

It's been seven days since I had breast surgery and I am doing very well. The incision--about 4" across my left breast--isn't very painful and I think I am doing well. I still get tired more easily but I am doing more and more each day.

The doctor told Doug that he removed all the tumor, with no cells left behind. I am still waiting to hear the pathology report, but even if it turns out to be malignant, we are finished. The way I see it, the only way to successfully deal with a phyllodes tumor is to remove it. It is removed. Chances of recurring are less than 35 percent, so I am totally done here :)

The only real problem I am having is removing myself from Vicodin. I had this problem with oxycodone as I recovered from knee replacement in 2006. It took me months to withdraw from that drug. I was very careful, only using the Vicodin when needed. Since I didn't have that much pain, I only took maybe three-four a day for four days. This is my third day of withdrawal symptoms. I guess I have to accept that if I take any narcotic for pain, my body will fall in love with it and I will have to go through withdrawals.

Another problem is with my surgeon. I received a call from his nurse, canceling our check-up appointment. He fobbed me off to another doctor; my surgeon is now not available until sometime in August. The nurse didn't understand why this was offensive to me.

Ahh well. The rumor is removed, I'm not in much pain beyond the queasy stomach, anxiousness, and body sweats from narcotic withdrawal, and I've been able to sew quite a bit :) Too bad the surgeon didn't remove about a third from my right breast as well. Maybe give both of them a little lift...

peace~~~
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Catching Up On My Sewing

2010-06-19T11:45:00.000-07:00

It's been a long while since I have been able to sew. Classes have been taking too much of my time. So now that school is out, I am able to put some things together and finish. Here are a few of my most recent quilts.

Daisy Mae is a fun wallhanging that helped me learn how to applique. I finished making the top last fall, but the poor thang has been sitting in my "to do" pile for a while. The pattern is from my cousin's online quilt store, Quilt Books U.S.A. It is a needleturned applique on a 3" pieced back.

Purple Haze was made from a free redwork pattern from Alex Anderson. I set the flowers on point and found this gorgeous purple batik for the lattice. The center piece is from Alex's Shadow Redwork book.

I also recently made these two quilts to give away to the Children's Relief Nursery, an organization that helps abused children and their parents. They were pretty fun to make. Rag Dolls is needleturned applique. Fairy dust was crayon-colored and then embroidered.

Rag Dolls:

Fairy Dust:

Just a week before, I made this little wallhanging for one of my favorite people who retired this year. One of his students drew a great picture of him, so I embroidered the portrait and framed it with fabric.

On to more sewing! Have a great time doing what you love.
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Hugs from my Friends

2010-06-17T21:24:00.000-07:00

What a surprise to me that the postal carrier handed me a big box Wednesday. When I opened it, I found it stuff-packed with goodies! My friends at the Quilting Bee forum on Delphi decided to shower me with all sorts of pieces of fabric--all polka dots! I LOVE POLKA DOTS! They are so happy and cheerful! These pieces of fabric were of all sizes. Some were fat quarters. Some were nickles. Some were just small 3" scraps. All colors, all dots.

Here's the bounty!

That was a wonderful surprise, the fabrics and the cards and the tea bags and the little prezzies. Notes of encouragement. Silly cards. Lots of love.

And then this morning, the postal carrier knocked on the door again, holding another box! This box was an even greater surprise. I opened the box and gasped, tears falling with love and warmth and happiness. What was in this package? I pulled out a beautiful quilt! My friend Sheryl made this happy quilt full of "Good Vibrations." Her note told me that when I was feeling badly, to wrap it around myself and think of her giving me a hug. I am taking it with me to the hospital in case something happens and I need to stay overnight.

But then nothing can possibly go wrong when my friends are all waiting for me with happy polka dot arms.

peace~~
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A Click a Day

2010-06-17T11:05:00.000-07:00

I have been clicking this link for many years now. A click a day will help fund free mammograms for women who can not afford one.

Tumor Central Update

2010-06-02T17:35:00.000-07:00

The news is in!

I am having a lumpectomy on June 24. When they do a biopsy on that baby and they find it is actually benign (they are not 100% certain right now because this type of tumor doesn't test well. I have students like that LOL), then we are finished. So basically he is doing a surgical biopsy so he can see better what it is. And because he doesn't really know anything without getting in there to look, he couldn't answer any of my questions. Recovery time is about two weeks. MUCH better than the alternative :)

If they find it is malignant (odds against), we go from there :)

Thanks all for the good thoughts :)
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and then there was this tumor...

2010-05-26T20:37:00.000-07:00

A while back I found a lump in my breast. Checked it every day a couple of times a day...yep it was still there. So I had a mammogram and then a sonogram. The doctor said that from the sonogram it didn't look exactly like cancer and yet it didn't look exactly like a simple fibroadenoma. In fact, the doctor told me she really didn't know what it was as she had never seen anything like it before. Interesting. I like being unique.

Monday I had a biopsy and received the results today. I have a benign Phyllodes tumor. A Phyllodes tumor is a fast-growing rare form (less than 1%--no wonder the doctor has not seen one before) of breast cancer. It is considered a form of breast cancer because it can change from a benign tumor to a malignant one in a snap. As it is very fast-growing, the doctor will take into consideration the rate of cell building, the history of my family, and other things before he decides what is best for my treatment. This tumor does not respond to chemo nor radiation; the only treatment is to remove it. There are two possibilities for removal: if it is "small" it will be a lumpectomy. If it is "large" it will be a mastectomy. I have no idea what measures make it "small" or "large." Mine is currently the size of a golf ball or a bit larger.

Since it is benign, I am thinking the doctor will allow us to wait until classes are over before it is removed--that is about three weeks. It won't grow that much larger in a few weeks (although it wasn't there three months ago and now it is larger than a golf ball! Softball anyone? :) )

So it's kinda cool. I have this anomaly that isn't life threatening at this time! If you are going to have something it don't get much better than that.
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Cell Block Tango (He Had it Comin')

2010-04-03T08:57:00.000-07:00

He had it coming, he had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same

*******************************************

Read an article in the paper while at my mom's about a woman who was sentenced 50 years to life for murdering her husband. A tragic story. A person was dead and another life wasted. But as I read her story, I kept hearing music from Chicago...

The woman found out her husband had been cheating on her and was devastated. She bought a gun so she could kill herself. She wandered the house, trying to find the best place to do this. First she walked into the kitchen and looked around. She had just cleaned it and didn't want to get it all messy. She wandered into the living room. No didn't want to ruin the couch. She also bypassed the bathroom and guest room. This was a real dilemma. She was so miserable and angst ridden and had no where to kill herself.

She then wandered into the bedroom. She saw her husband sleeping in their bed and turned her grief-stricken gun hand on him. She then told the court, "He was lying there like he didn't have a care in the world and I shot him."

********************************************

They had it comin', they had it comin'
They had it comin' all along
'Cause if they used us and they abused us
How could they tell us that we were wrong?

He had it coming, he had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same
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Some Notes From the Road

2010-03-31T10:42:00.001-07:00

I recently took a roadtrip down to see my mom in southern Cali. I was tired as I started out--overwhelmed with getting through the last term, feeling rather battered from personal and professional mis-perceptions, and exhausted from the two online public speaking classes. I didn't want to drive the 1000 miles, couldn't afford to drive the 1000 miles, and wanted someone to just take care of me. The magic of the road took care of all that.

The weather was perfect. Sunshiny and clear. I left a bit later than I wanted--it was nearly 6:30 a.m. when I hit the road. I was mentally grousing all the way from Portland to Eugene, grumbling under my breath and forgetting to listen to the music blaring through the car. Indigo Girls first thing and random CDs after that. I kept counting the mileage and the time and how long it would take me to get to Stockton (not much else between Stockton and Bakersfield to stop for the night. As much as I want to keep going as long as there is light, Stockton it is. Sometimes I call it Stinkton :) ). So I was driving tense, checking mileage, checking timing, grousing that I was driving, not listening to the best music around. A real fun time.

At some point between Eugene and Roseburg I started laughing at myself. "Geeze gurl," I thought. "You have been needing to get away from the house and the job and people for a long time now. And here you sit grousing?!" Then I remembered one of my philosophies of life: It is the journey, not the destination. So I settled in and enjoyed the ride.

As I continued south along I-5 heading to the Siskiyou mountain range, I noticed that clouds hung low over the mountains. The sun was all around but the clouds were hanging over the mountains, with the peaks peeking through them. They looked like a ring of white hair with a bald dome head. As I came closer and started passing the clouds, it was the strangest view of the clouds. Have you ever stared at one of those 3-D pictures that take a while but if you look at them right, they magically become a picture? You know how fake they look (because they are just computer 3-D drawings), being able to see around the items like they are hanging suspended in the sky? That's how these surrounding clouds looked. Like they had been created by a computer. (The clouds didn't look like this picture but I thought the picture was way cool. It is over Mt. Ashland, though.) And as I drove through the mountains, I would go in and out of these fake clouds--sunny then pea soup fog...sunny and then pea soup fog all the way up over the Siskiyou Pass and down again. Sunny as I hit California and stayed that way for the next week :)

As I passed the first weigh station in California I noticed how cool the CHP station looked--like a large Alpine Lodge.

Coming down through a pass in the Shasta National Forest moving in to Dunsmuir, the mountains were so large that the semi-trucks down the road a piece looked tiny. My little beetle was very tiny compared to the semis. Sure put my puny problems in perspective.

I spent the night in a Comfort Inn Motel in Stinkton. It was one of the worst motels I have stayed in through the years. The toilet wouldn't flush. I could never find the ice machine. I had no idea what channels I was watching as there was no information in the empty three-ring binder on the desk. Internet did work for me and I had a lovely chat with my cousin :) Although I must say that the Vagabond Inn in Redding coming home was even worse--toilet flushed but kept leaking and refilling all night, toilet seat kept coming off the toilet, could hear the flush from above cascading down next to my head, and it was pretty dirty. The Internet access didn't work either. BUT above all, the roach motel in Colinga where we stayed in 1980 tops everything!

Passing along I-5 corridor, I saw hundreds of small birds in formation. It was beautiful! They twisted and turned with the precision of a black and white psychedelic screen saver. Amazing art in real life.

Along the side of the freeway in an old junk yard, I saw an old rusted out Bookmobile. I loved our Bookmobile when I was a kid. There was no library near us out in the country, so twice a month (I think) the Bookmobile would come to my elementary school. The teachers would take their classes out to the library and later Mom would come pick us up from school and visit the library herself. I remember when I read my first book in one day and asked to go back to the library. Mom didn't believe that I had read the whole book until I told her the whole plot. I was in second grade and it was obviously time to move up to more complicated books. Less pictures and more words. One of my favorite of all time books is To Kill a Mockingbird. I checked it out from the bookmobile when I was maybe fourth grade. I loved the Bookmobile.

As I headed over Grapevine and Tejon Pass, I saw a huge store for Famous Footwear and wondered who was their audience? I mean do people stop there, thinking "Hey! I'm going over Grapevine and might need to get out and push! Perhaps I need some new cheap shoes!"

Coming home the following Friday I was lost in the magic of the music. As I listened to the Beatles I remembered something else. It was time for me to "get back to where I once belonged." It is time to work on finding my lost giggle bubble, to rediscover myself. I have been unhappy for such a long time. It is time.

peace~~
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Raffle Winner Announced!

2009-12-21T08:40:00.000-08:00

RAFFLE WINNER is Kelly Beazley!

Winner of the quilted tablecloth set is Kelly Beazley, Portland Community College staff member of Technology Solution Services on Sylvania campus.

The money raised for the raffle goes to support the Sylvania Choir, who will be touring with Robert Grey Middle School this spring. This raffle raised over $150!

We want to thank each of you who bought into the raffle and to those who have donated to the Foundation on the choir's behalf.

And congratulations to Kelly for winning a beautiful quilted tablecloth set!

Quilted Tablecloth for only $1

2009-12-10T08:41:00.000-08:00

I have not been here for some time, but I have not been simply laying around doing nothing! I wanted to let you know about a raffle we are having to help support our choir. They are going on tour and need support. So I made this quilted tablecloth set to be raffled off. This could be yours for only $1!

RAFFLE!

A beautiful handmade tablecloth set can be yours for only $1

The Portland Community College's choir is raffling off a handmade quilted tablecloth with six placemats and napkins. For only $1 you could be the proud owner of a beautiful handmade quilted tablecloth.

Check out the set: http://spot.pcc.edu/~dwerkman/raffle.html

Tickets: $1 for one/$5 for 6/$10 for 12... $25 for 30

Table cloth is approximately 60x80 inches, 100% cotton and quilted with the finest of threads in order to last a lifetime. Each of the six placemats is 15x20 inches, with matching napkins at 15 inches square. This set will brighten up your dining room all winter long, or will make a great gift.

All proceeds go to Portland Community College's Choir, who is raising money in order to tour as Big Brothers and Sisters with the Robert Gray Middle School's music program. This year the tour takes them to LAKE TAHOE. This raffle, along with donations, will assure that PCC's choir has the opportunity to sing and share music with other young people as they travel around Nevada and the Incline Village area. Your $1 raffle ticket can help make this once in a lifetime trip possible for our PCC Vocal Music students.

Raffle will be held on Friday, December 18. You do not need to be present to win.
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Busy Getting Ready for Fall Term

2009-09-20T08:04:00.000-07:00

I have been so busy getting everything finished for Fall term since I returned from North Carolina that I have almost forgotten that I had a week on Topsail Island! But Topsail has not allowed me to forget :)

I went to Topsail Island with two other quilting friends, one who lives in North Carolina. We rented a house on the beach for the week. It has been years and years since I could walk along the beach and more years than that since I had played in the ocean. But walking in the sand is a breeze with these legs and swimming! What a joy it was to play in the Atlantic! At first I could not think how anyone could feel refreshed with such humid heat in warm bathwater, but just a few minutes in the water with the wind blowing a bit and I suddenly understood. It was delightful!

Our days were very much the same. We'd get up, chat, make breakfast, sit and chat and do handwork, have a sandwich for noon meal, sit and chat and do handwork, go swimming, sit and chat and do handwork, make the evening meal, and then sit and chat and do handwork until bedtime. One day we went to Jacksonville to visit their quilt shop. One day we went to Wilmington on a quilt shop run. We visited the sea turtle rescue hospital on the island and found the ice cream store.

The final day we went for our swim and just minutes into the water--I only got one body surf in--I felt this horrible pain and knew without knowing how I knew that I had been stung by a jellyfish. It wrapped around my thigh. I yelled and washed it off with the ocean and yelled and washed it off. We headed for the house, stopping by the people sitting on the beach and asked them if they knew what to do for a jellyfish sting. They were not comfortable peeing on my thigh... ;) I showered and called my son back in Oregon. Baking soda and vinegar. My friend Dorothy went out to buy those things as I watched my thigh welt up. Yeppers, all around the whole thigh. I monitored my breathing--I am deathly allergic to bee and wasp and yellow jacket stings--but I had no problems.

We left the next day and headed for Raleigh to catch the flight home the next morning. We did a nice quilt shop run in Raleigh and visited the historical Oakwood Cemetery. We then went out to dinner, capping our last night together with a good meal.

The jellyfish sting stayed painful for about three days and then it went away. *whew* I got started on my fall classes, worked on finishing all those hand projects I spent the week doing, and cut out the two quilt tops from the fat quarters I bought along each quilt shop we visited. On the Sunday before I had to return to school for week-long meetings, I felt achy and ill. I had a more difficult time walking and my back was in bad shape. As I got ready for bed that night, I felt my thigh itching and as I felt down to rub it, I felt these huge tentacle-shaped welts exactly where my jellyfish had so happily stung me! And they itched like CRAZY! So more Ibprofen and a call to the doctor the next day for some topical cream and antihistamine. Now, the tentacle vision is still there but the itching is almost gone.

A long slow peaceful summer ends with a bang. Many projects completed. Many days floating in our little pool. Many days feeling more revived and happy. And the adventure continues.
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School Clothes

2009-08-26T22:19:00.000-07:00

School starts soon and my grandgirl needs to look spiffy for her first days of first grade. Together we went to the fabric store and selected the patterns, selected the fabric, and I sat by my sewing machine for a few days solid like a good gramma. She now has five unique things for school.

The girl has taste! The poodle skirt was the first to be selected, then the minty green one. The purple dress is a jumper...the model didn't have an undershirt. Looks a little funny but still cute.

Living the Ad Campaign

2009-08-20T07:20:00.000-07:00

I have been fearful of getting on the scales. I didn't want to read the numbers. But yesterday morning I decided to Just Do It! I was pleasantly surprised that I had not gained as much as I had tried to gain. I say "tried" because obviously I was working very hard at it... Glad I wasn't successful. I was 10 pounds up from my lowest point.

I thought about this amount--a small drop in a much larger bucket--and realized I could easily drop those new old pounds in a very short time. Yes I Can! So yesterday I went back to weighing food, measuring amounts, and eating just a little bit less. Of course I had to Obey My Thirst, so I stayed hydrated much better than I had been as well. And when the weather hits 100 like it did yesterday, that water is Good 'Til the Last Drop.

It is interesting how we often abuse ourselves without even thinking. We sabotage the very thing we want to accomplish. If you think about it, progress is a Terrible Thing to Waste. We all want to Be All We Can Be. So I am back on the trail of good health. Amazing how our resolve can wane; It Takes a Licking but Keeps on Ticking.

I can do this. Each time I walked past the 'fridge with my cute thin picture hanging next to the drawing made by my grandgirl, Kaity, I said out loud, Yes I Can!
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Discouraged But Not Lost

2009-08-08T11:02:00.000-07:00

Last spring I went to the coast with Doug and we had a good time. But, having lost 40 pounds, I thought I could buy myself a new top or two. What I discovered is that 40 pounds didn't get me anything new. Everything still looked icky or too tight. I realized after coming home that I had lost some of the sight of my goal. I was discouraged. And talking about it made me realize how stupid that sounded so I didn't write about it.

But that is not the dumbest part of this journey... I hesitate to write how stupid I am, but I promised myself to pay attention to the journey. So here it is.

I mentioned that my sister has lost over 100 pounds this past year. I am very glad for her and proud that she has worked so hard to achieve so much. But... Okay here's the stupid part. But I have always been the thin one. She is the smart one and I am the thinner one. Now she is thinner than me and doing things I used to do but no longer do. She is sort of living my life rather than me living my life. And all this discouraged me. It should spur me on, but it doesn't.

Okay my complete idiocy is now out there for me to explore. Have gained about 10 pounds back but am holding and working on regaining momentum. I found a picture of myself from 13 years ago and posted it on my 'fridge as a reminder of my goal. I remember liking that feeling of thin :)
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I'll Be Right Back

2009-06-19T22:09:00.000-07:00

Coming Soon to a Blog Near You!

Yes, I will soon be back...meanwhile, have a great Father's Day and enjoy the summer :)
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Things are Looking Up

2009-05-15T06:38:00.000-07:00

We are home after a very long intensive week in Pittsburgh. We found a nursing center for Doug's mother where she will be tended to and safe. It is a very nice place where the residents are treated with care and dignity. Doug's father--who was so sleep deprived that he was acting desperate at times--has guilt from moving her to a nursing center, but he is finally getting some sleep. They have been married for 65 years. That is a long long time to be with someone and he is realizing slowly how lonely he feels, even after only a few days.

Doug's mother has now been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She knows people but loses space and time. She is often searching for her Mother or some pet they had many years ago. She gets agitated when she can't do something and can get mildly violent (yells and throws things) if she gets too agitated. Our task this past week was to help Doug's dad find a living place, to allow him to have some rest, and to just spend time with both of them.

Doug's brothers and sister were at odds with us. We learned that their father was not also losing it, but that he just had no had sleep for weeks. They felt he needed to also be moved into a home. But I found him to be sharp and remarkably aware of things. He's slow in talking but not slow in thinking. One sister-in-law harshly said Doug and I were enabling him by listening to him and reassuring him that we understood; she and his brother felt we should instead be telling him what and how to do things. But we spent most of our time just listening to him.

I have come to understand that listening is the key to all communication. We teach people how to speak and interact--that is my job--but we really don't teach people how to listen. Truly listening is such a pleasure. And it is exhausting. Doug's father wanted to know why I "get it" when his own children didn't. They stopped listening.

Also, I told him, I am not his kid. That is an important piece. He feels that because they are his children, they should trust him and listen and understand. Of course they should. But I have the advantage of not being his kid. I don't have to get through my own stuff to listen to him. I don'thave to fight my image and perception of him as my father, as his kid. I don't have to deal with my concern that he isn't who he was when I was 10. I don't have to deal with losing him as my father and dealing with my own mortality. He didn't understand that until I happened to call my own mother. My mother and I are good friends. But I found myself getting irritated while she talked because she wasn't getting things right...she was confused and I wanted to make sure she understood better. And then I smiled to myself and sat back with the phone and breathed. It didn't matter these little details. We could push each others' buttons because I was her kid and she was my mother. So I sat back and listened to her as well.

We got home late Tuesday night and were back at work early Wednesday. Exhausted--both emotionally and physically. I had a tense meeting with the PE department over dance studio space that should have been postponed for a day. I got on the scales yesterday morning and simply said, "Hmmm I have some work to do." And I will do that work. But not today. Not without a bit more rest.

And the beat goes on. Peace~~
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Family Fun

2009-05-04T20:41:00.000-07:00

Doug's parents were lost and missing for over 24 hours. Between the police, Doug's brother and sister, and Doug they were found--wandering and confused--and are now back home, safe thank goodness.

Doug and I are leaving at 3 am this morning for Pittsburgh to help them find good living arrangements, to spend time with them, and to support Doug's brothers and sister. Getting old is hell.

Send us positive energy~~~
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Positively Meltdown

2009-05-03T07:06:00.000-07:00

Things that went very well this week:

I had seven good days for food. I ate very well and followed program. I planned, scheduled, and posted.
I continued to follow my walking training program and make little moves forward every day. I can walk around the whole park now in 20 minutes. One and a half weeks ago I couldn't walk around the park at all.
I rode my stationary bike on the nonwalk-training days.

The rest of the story:

I had a complete mental meltdown on Friday, continued it on Saturday, and I don't want to move from my chair today. I cried and had trouble functioning. But I did function and went to work and went out Saturday and played with my grandgirl and I have worked on my class since I woke up at 4 am this morning. But I lost it.
I gained another 5 pounds. My poor little fingers are swollen up like sausages.
Doug's parents are quickly declining and we are certain he will need to go back east to Pittsburgh within the next couple weeks to help them move into an assisted living situation. They are both 89.
We are flying down south to spend a few days with my mother over Mother's Day. We couldn't afford to fly at the last minute back to Pittsburgh and I wanted to see my mommy. So we are off for a few days.
I haven't been sleeping very well lately. This comes and goes. Right now it is coming. Soon it will be going :)
My grandgirl is the best thing since sliced bread. I need a dose of her every day. We went to Oaks Park last weekend. Oaks Park is a great place. Some friends of ours were playing at a benefit concert and we went to support the cause and the friends. We brought Kaity along so she could play on the carnival rides. That girl is fearless! The higher faster spinnier it is, the better she likes it. I have a great video of her telling me about one ride. I'll post it if I can figure out how to do that. Oh I know how to post...but the camera is new and I don't know yet how to download and edit :)

So life goes on. I have these periods of total meltdown...they go away. They come back. Anxiety. Headache. Can't really function but I manage to function. I am going to talk to someone in Employee Assistance Program this week and find out what's going on. I think I am on the verge of a breakdown. Serious. Gotta prevent that.

And the beat goes on :)
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Two is Better than One

2009-04-20T15:27:00.000-07:00

I had two right-on days this past week.

I needed a second eye surgery so had to postpone swimming daily. But I can start swimming this week. Plus I started the Weight Watchers Walking Challenge. Just walking 15 minutes a day as I build up. The "training" is for eight weeks, building up to a marathon sometime in June. Vancouver has a Solstice Walk in the evening that Doug can join me--a 5k walk. They also have a Discovery Walk, also 5k. I can get there. One step at a time.

Weekly Update Pics is here: pics! pics! pics!

Up half a pound, but I had two right-on days.
Life can't get much better than that, can it?

So What Is Going On?

2009-04-10T10:20:00.001-07:00

I have been having a real struggle these last few weeks. My anxiety and stress level have been high. I thought a week off at Spring Break would help me calm down, but it really only increased the anxiety. I haven't weighed in since March 20, adding to my stress level.

In teaching half my classes online, I found I was working 24/7, with no time to relax. I would work my regular hours on campus and then go home and work my online class. I became so exhausted and cranky...which increased my anxiety level to the point of having a full-blown anxiety attack some days. I was eating just fine during these last few weeks, but when Friday came around to weigh in, I was holding 10+ pounds of fluid. I did not want to go in and have that in my face...even though I knew it wasn't me. It was discouraging.

Another discouraging thing is that even with losing 45 pounds, I don't have any new clothes to wear. I went shopping to get a new few things and found that everything fits the EXACT same way it fit before. And looks just as...hmmm....crappy. Doug doesn't agree; he thinks there are noticable changes, but he is not the one noticing the SAME SIZE still fits the SAME WAY. *sigh*

Then I went on break. The first few days I still did work, only not in the office. Phone calls from the dean. Phone calls and email from the Admin Assistant (I once called her "secretary" and she reacted as if I had called her a racial derogatory name. She would not speak to me for two days. It took me that long to figure out what was her problem). Finishing touches on my online classes. Hiring someone at the last minute to teach a newly added class. But I didn't want to stay up all night peeing the night before weigh in days and didn't want to weigh in with a 13 or more pound gain. So I didn't.

Instead I took myself and my fella to the coast. Perfect for relaxing. But that didn't happen. It was not meant to be! And I know this truth...it is very easy to slide down that slippery slop of eating whatever once you decide not to weigh in. I didn't do it the next Friday, either.

Last night I dropped over 8 pounds during the night, but my system really wants this fluid right now. So by the time I weighed in, I had regained a couple of those peed-out pounds. I was 6.5 pounds up. I would say I had a real gain of about two, two and a half pounds. The rest...protection against stress I guess.

One good thing I did during the week off is I began swimming every morning. I found if I use swim fins I can move, even though my knee doesn't bend well. I will continue to swim every morning at school (once my eye recovers--I had to have a second surgery on my eye this week. Everything fine if not a bit more uncomfortable that the first surgery).

No new pictures. Nothing to see. But I made a promise to myself so I will get one taken this weekend. I also made a promise to see this through. Struggle or not, I am in this for the long haul. See you soon.

Peace~~
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Catchin' Up is Hard to Do

2009-03-20T06:55:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking spring is here--or at least the idea of spring is here. I have daffodils with their perky yellow faces smiling at the world. I have heather looking beautifully pink. And I found this rhododendron starting to bloom two weeks ago. The rhodie gave me hope :)

It has been over two weeks since I have been here. My life has been too busy to do anything except finish the term--I still have 20 finals to grade. I needed to get the next term classes ready--I still have a bit of tweaking to do on my online course. I needed to get the next term adjusted--I finally found an instructor who can take my second class so I can open another section of my online class. I needed to create Summer term--I still need a few instructors for summer. I needed to hire a new fulltime dance instructor--we had interviews for the past few days. And I needed to sleep at some point. Most everything has been accomplished.

Gawd Winter term is the shortest term of the year and I feel it is the longest!

Over the past two weeks I hit the 45 pound mark. In fact, I have now lost 46.5 pounds. This week I have partied hardy. I have grabbed things on my run and some of them have not been the best choices. But I also gave myself permission to just relax this aspect. I think I needed something to help me breathe because I wasn't able to breathe on the past few weeks schedule. But now it is back to keep on keepin' on. Life is good.

Peace~~
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And the Beat Goes On

2009-03-01T20:28:00.000-08:00

It's been an interesting week.

All week I have been hounded by a student who believes she deserves an "A" and I graded her with a "C." I applaud her persistence but every time I see email or hear her voice I have to take a deep breath and try to be patient. It doesn't matter that I am basing her assignment by national standards, she still believes I am being subjective. I have shown her the criteria; she has rejected it. And on top of this, she has decided I am too rigid with students and not flexible. She has continued with the idea that I am not thinking about the needs of the students but am making things easy for me.

You have to laugh :)

Now on top of this, I have a student who has plagiarized two essay exam questions, plagiarized to the point of simply cut and pasted the information from websites. When I told her she would not receive credit for the test questions, she tried to put it back on me, that I was not clear when I said to use the textbook and the Internet to support her answers. She did not plagiarize, she said, because she changed the words into her own. So I had to take both her work and the websites I found and paste them side-by-side, with all language and thoughts the same in red. Both the articles and her answers had little that was not red. A word here and there. I sent this to her. She said she understands why I might think it was plagiarism, but she just forgot to cite her references. One of these "references" was a t-shirt ad...she liked how they talked about a certain motif on the t-shirt... When I referred her to the student handbook, she asked if she could at least get credit for researching the questions.

You have to laugh :)

I lost 3.5 pounds this week, only a breath away from that magic 45 number. I asked Doug to take me out of town for the weekend as I have been feeling anxious and nervous. Probably waiting to hear back from one student of another... So we went to a hotel out of town. We relaxed. I still did school work but relaxed while I did it. The kitties were happy to see us this evening :)

Weekly pics are up. Things are not moving as quickly so I don't notice much change. Still worth seeing since I spent the weekend looking at myself with a whole different set of mirrors. Not a fun thing, seeing yourself from different angles and realizing how much you have to lose. I forget at home. I am just keepin' on keepin' here at home...go out and things look different.

But, between students and an unmanageable workload, I think I will, as Dory says in Finding Nemo just keep on swimming.
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You are Looking at a Winner!

2009-02-22T07:05:00.000-08:00

I have some great friends who blog here. Many of them are quilting friends. My friend Debi loves to hold contests and challenges. No matter what the season, Debi has something fun going on--challenges, giveaways, new blocks--something fun all the time. This week she is participating on another blogger's OP Challenge and weekend blog hop. The fabric in the challenge is orange. I love orange :)

Debi said, "Saturday, I am hosting a giveaway as part of the OP Challenge. My giveaway is this 19 piece set of Millefleur by P & B Textiles fat quarters." So who gets an email last evening that says, "Congratulations...You are the winner of my blog giveaway....." Yes! You are so right! ME! Look at those gorgeous fat quarters! Thank you thank you thank you so much, Debi!

I'm a winner! I'm a winner! I never win stuff! And I'm a winner! YippeeSkippee!!!!
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Celebration: The Week is Over!

2009-02-21T07:26:00.000-08:00

Celebration time c'mom!

We are celebrating that this week is finished and put to bed! Whew what a week! The struggle was tough, even as I was as busy as all get out. Scales showed half a pound up for the struggling effort. C'est la vie, n'est-ce pas?

I have been trying to figure out why I am having such difficulty with these past few weeks. I think I need to shake things up a bit. I feel the need to mix things up. Part of my struggle is that I am just doing the same things. It is time to mix things up, remotivate myself, get things moving. I want more time in the day :)

First I need to add some exercise into the mix. I have lots of excuses not to exercise. Let me list them.

TIME: When should this happen? I get up at 5:30 to catch the bus at 6:30. I arrive at school by 8:00 and leave at 4:00 to arrive home by 5:30. I make dinner. Doug gets home by 5:45. We eat by 6:00-6:30 and Jeopardy is on at 7...then I have a bit of time to relax and go upstairs to finish grading or getting ready for the next day. Bedtime...so I can get up at 5:30.

I could try to figure out how I can take some time during the work day to do this, but I have never been able to figure this out. I have tried to take a class now and again in the middle of the day but after about two weeks, I have to drop out. I just never can get away from my office. Too many things I need to do. I rarely get to visit with my colleagues. I can make more of an effort to do this, but I have my doubts.

With days longer, I could get in a little walking in after dinner. I can give up Jeopardy but Doug won't. It is our only TV watching and he really enjoys it. I could walk alone, but I won't. Motivation. I will find the answer to this. Before I started riding the bus, I did my biking before school. I sometimes can get on the bike between Jeopardy and finishing school work, but mostly I forget. And I want something besides the bike. I want to swim, but can't yet. In a few weeks I can but not yet.

MOVEMENT: What am I able to actually do? Most machines that helps one get good cardo I can't do. It is too difficult on my knee. But I can swim, if I get some good fins. My knee doesn't bend enough to get me moving, but a good pair of fins will help. Perhaps since I may never get my reward massage (that is another story), my rewrd for 30 pounds will be a set of fins :) If I stop riding the bus, I can swim in the morning at school. If I swim at the public pool (just down the street) the cost adds up, but might find lap swimming in the evening. I will check that out.

So as we celebrate this week finally coming to a conclusion, we can also celebrate a new mix. Whatever that new mix involves. I'll let you know how that goes... Weekly picture will soon be up (I have to wash my hair and get pretty).
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Bright Eyes

2009-02-14T07:55:00.000-08:00

I now see the world in bright colors
in all it's technicolor
without halos
the world without hesitation

Life is good :)
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Tough Week; Instant Gratification

2009-02-08T22:11:00.000-08:00

Whew was this ever a tough week. I struggled each day to stay within my point allowance. I went over some days, under others. And all along, I was struggling. And on top of that, I was sloshing with excess fluid. Fluid. Fluid. Fluid. My joy LOL Some days up to 12 pounds of extra. Most days only five or six.

I have been battling excess fluid for the past few weeks. I knew I was holding more fluid than my normal 3 pounds and it was not showing the loss I knew I had at the scales. So Thursday I decided to take the highest level of diuretics allowed me later in the evening. Yes, I was up multiple times during the night. Yes, I forgot and flushed most times (if it's brown, flush it down; if it's yellow let it mellow). But I was unsloshed by morning. Eight pounds of unsloshable fluid gone. It just feels so free to be able to bend my legs and ankles and wiggle my fingers easily. And that showed up at the scales: 2 pounds down. This week's pic shows some difference, I think. Either that or it is wishful thinking :)

On another note, I am having eye surgery on Thursday. I have a bad cataract in my left eye. It is causing me to not drive at night comfortably. Nor at dusk and dawn. I can't wear my glasses to see at a distance, so I drive without glasses on. Watch television that way, too. I have them on now, so don't worry about your safety ;) So Thursday morning I am having the lens removed and a new one installed. They are going to take care of my astigmatism at the same time. My right eye isn't bad with distance nor astigmatism, so I won't need glasses for distance, only reading. But I won't be able to read for a few days, not comfortably anyway.

I don't know if I have mentioned but I had my knee replaced two summers ago. My body decided it needed to protect itself after the surgery, so I built up gobs of scar tissue. A second surgery cleared that up...for a bit anyway. The result is that I still can't bend my knee more than about 90-100 degrees. My knee doesn't go straight all the way, either. I'm happy with the replacement. I have so much stamina and have no arthritis pain. Yeah, life is good.

Life is good except when I am in a chair too low and can't get up. Now this is a sight no one should miss. It is the funniest things and I always end up laughing my ass off. On Saturday I was tired and had on stockings. They kept slipping on the hardwood floor, so I couldn't edge my leg under me as I tried to stand up. I asked Doug to help me. Unfortunately I continued to slide and ended up on the floor. Now right away I am already laughing. How the hell can I get up off the floor? When we had carpet, I could rest my good knee on the floor, quickly put pressure on my fake knee to shift my left leg bent under me. I would then stretch out my fake knee leg and by pushing with my left leg and the top of my right foot, I could eek my way standing. I always would yell "TaDa!" when I got up.

This time, I tried to do this, but with the hardwood floors, it was too hard to put any pressure on my fake knee. I even rolled over and put a folded quilt under my knees, but it was too painful. I tried, but couldn't get up. So I looked around and thought of the stairs! I scooched my way over to the stairs but could not lift myself up the steps. I sat by the steps for a bit, thinking I might need to have my laptop brought to me and a bed pan...live by the foot of the stairs. And then it came to me: the front porch steps.

So I scooched to the door, unlocked and opened it, scooching back and forth. Doug was trying to help but I finally asked him to move please. I scooched outside on the porch and made my way down the stairs. And when I hit that ledge and the first step, I grabbed the handrail and pulled myself up. I of course flung my arms in the air and yelled, "TaDa!"

Ha! You really gotta laugh, eh? So the beat goes on, all the while laughing! peace~~~
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Hitting Forty is a Delight

2009-01-30T23:00:00.000-08:00

Well I can't believe I have not been here in over a week. I have been very busy with my classes and it doesn't seem possible to hang out online unless I am working with my class. The online class is time consuming, but I think it is going well. My on campus class is great. Between meetings, time spent online, and homelife, well...not here as often. I did manage to catch up on some of my favorites. What creative and delightful friends I have here online!

I lost .8 pounds last week and another .6 pounds today. That makes me a rounded off 40 pounds! It has slowed down and I am really tired of these specific numbers, but I am down 40 pounds over the past 17 weeks! Nothing difficult this week, just cruising on the ice at this time. Keeping my eye on the things I tend to do that might be a problem down the road. Like eating too large a lunch. Dinner is never a problem but I tend to eat a big lunch. I won't be able to do that when I get down to a reasonable weight (right now I can eat much more than shorter, people who have less to lose can eat).

Weekly pictures continue. Hair growing and looking a bit better (although today it didn't look all that great LOL Wind and rain will do that).

Fabulous Award!

2009-01-23T14:41:00.000-08:00

What a surprise to receive a Fabulous Blog Award from my friend Debi! A Fabulous Blog award, quoting Debi: For this one I must list five addictions (in no particular order). So here it goes!

Eating! LOL
Quilting
Hitting the road--am addicted to driving all over the states listening to Bonnie Raitt and Indio Girls
My grandgirl--am addicted to being with and playing with her
Being on the 'Net--what can I say?

Thank you Debi! I am extending this award to three of my friends: Corinna , Gari, and Myra. Thanks to all my friends who share their thoughts and ideas with us on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. You are all Fabulous!
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Slipping into the Zone

2009-01-16T21:37:00.000-08:00

Not sure why but I am going well through this past few weeks. Not complaining at all! LOL Nope, but I am clear sailing. This week weight in was down another 1.5 pounds. In the past if I had felt so out of the loop I would probably jave quit, or stay with meetings but eventually quit because "why waste the money?" I didn't quit this time because it is about the journey. I am committee to follow this river wherever it takes me.

My sister had decided to have a stomach band. One of the requirements is that the person has to eat a certain way and lost weight before the surgery. She had lost 85 pounds before the surgery, which was scheduled for Wednesday. But at the pre-op, the doctor said she was doing so well with the weight loss that they are waiting another six months to re-examine if there is a need for surgery. I am glad. She is relieved but sad, if you know what I mean.

I am still in search of a good haircut since I allowed my hair to go grey and it now grows straight as a board. I hate perms. I hate the stink of perms mostly. And the hassle. And I hate to mess with hair. I never used any products in my hair because it just curled perfectly. Now I have to use products. So my new style probably won't need any stuff in the hair. The weird thing is that the back is still curly, the top straight and flat. Perhaps I should ask my hairdresser to come over every morning and give it that flow dry lift...

This is today's picture from my weekly pics. Oh yeah I am having eye surgery in a month. I might not need glasses afterwards as they are going to fix the astigmatism as well as replace the lens in my left eye. So I am wearing eye make up once again so I have some color in this fave in case I don't need glasses! I am soooooo tricky, eh?

peace~~
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Groovin

2009-01-14T22:18:00.000-08:00

YippeeSkippee!
I am back in the groove
and hitting the mark!

Just a little step at a time...

2009-01-10T21:35:00.000-08:00

Weigh-in was fine. I dropped the 1.5 I had gained over the holidays followed by another one, for a total of 2.2 pounds. But I decided to wear a lighter skirt...so did I really lose or was it the skirt? Doesn't matter. I am doing just fine and whether or not the scales show it, I am losing :)

Soon I need to have that massage owed to me for the last 15 pounds. My body really needs it! Classes are going well. I am teaching one class in the traditional classroom and one online. Each has drawbacks and advantages. But the different modes is challenging until the term gets going.

Went out to buy a car with Doug today. It was cold and my hands and toes were freezing. Finally warmed up when we went out into the hot tub. Life is good :)

New picture shows...I dunno. Nothing as dramatic as the first few weeks. And of course no one can notice the body changes yet. That will be another 25 pounds or so. But because he has been looking at and helping me select which picture to post, Doug notices changes all over. Sometimes he notices something before I do. He's such a great guy :)

peace~~ Take care of one another this week, okay?
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Shake Shake Shake...Shake Your Booty!

2009-01-05T22:08:00.000-08:00

Just a little note...

Rode my stationary bike for 10 minutes and went 1.8 miles. Part of my new routine! I know it isn't much, but it is what I can do. And I'm proud of it! Going to walk when I can. It is a bit chilly and wet out there...so may only walk on the sunny side of the street ;) ha!
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Once Again, It Is About the Journey

2009-01-03T22:46:00.000-08:00

It is so easy to give yourself a break when you have no reason or no one to be accountable toward. I mean, ultimately I need to be accountable to myself but I have spent 58 years lying to me...I'm so damned gullible and manipulable. So not weighing in for three weeks--weather prevented and then Christmas--that I knew I was up a tad. I accepted the consequences because I accept the responsibility. I made a choice to not pay attention to what I ate New Years Eve (and then the next day as well but that one wasn't a conscious choice. That one was a "what the heck" choice).

So being up 1.5 pounds did not come as a surprise. Nor do I feel badly. Made a choice and take the results. But I did learn that I need to weigh in for accountability. There is a reason that people tend to lose three times more weight by attending meetings.

And then I looked at my pictures again and I again saw how many pounds I need to lose. And then I shifted my eyes to a different thing. I saw my arms around my grandgirl and we were doing things together. That is what a day is about. If I keep at this direction of my life's journey, the weight will go away. All it takes is time and some vigilant focus and energy. I've got time. I've got energy. And I have my family and friends around me, supporting me, caring about me.

And that is what it's all about. peace~~
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If You Only Walk on the Sunny Side

2008-12-28T20:54:00.000-08:00

I have lost about 40 pounds. I can see the changes in my face. I am feeling like I have accomplished a great deal. And then I see a picture and realize I still have massive amounts of weight to lose...and it makes me tired that there is this big job...big job.

And it's not about people loving me, nor wanting to spend time with me. The hard part is that sometimes I just want it easy. I just want to go to bed and miraculously wake up and find 25 pounds gone. And then the following week, go to bed...and do this for a month. And then just stay down at that weight forever and ever. Magically :)

So, wanting it easy and finding it discouragingly difficult at times, I want to give up. Let's be honest here...I see pictures of people who are overweight and they look just fine... So I think what the heck?

Okay, so I am on this journey to its destination and beyond, for The Journey is life. And at this moment this part is not the easiest. But I need to write down all the things I am experiencing and this is one of them.

If you only walk on the sunny side of the street, you will never reach your destination...

peace~~
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Christmas News

2008-12-27T21:52:00.000-08:00

We so rarely get snow that I just have to stand and look at it as it comes down. And come down it has for the past week. The airport was shut down for a while--that's how not used to this weather we are LOL. But my daughter in law and grandgirl were able to get home from Hawaii with only a 6 hour layover in San Francisco. During all this time, I never left the house. But I sewed and sewed and sewed...two dresses for my grandgirl, one nightie and one jammies with feet, three quilts for Project Linus, finished my son's quilt, and made some crazy quilt hot pads and hot mitt. I also made a cloth alphabet book for my neighbor's little one. I'm thinking I needed this break!

The cats had a good time as well. I fed the birds right outside the deck doors, mostly because I couldn't open the door any more than wide enough to put down a saucer. The cats sat there all day every day, watching the bird show. It was like Kitty TV. The next day the squirrels came also. Some gorgeous birds--robins and a orange/rust breasted bird about the size of a robin, possibly a thrush. This bird showed up a few years ago when we had a freeze and we fed the birds close by (I usually feed the birds out in the yard rather than the deck). In the process, four saucers became buried in the snow. As the snow has been melting yesterday and today, the layers of saucers are once again appearing.

No weigh in this week as the streets were still not drivable for me, especially at 6:30 am. Still eating well. Still making decisions. I ate more on Christmas day than I have been, but was so much less than "normal." Forgot to take a picture for my weekly pictures...I will try to remember to do this tomorrow :)

It really is about choices, learning how to make good ones. Learning when to let things pass. Learning how to pass up things, what to pass up when. Life is good. Three days with my grandgirl and my sons. Lots of good times. This is the Christmas news.

peace~~
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The Weather Outside Is Frightful...

2008-12-19T21:12:00.000-08:00

Still singing. This time I am singing the snow song. Weather here in Portland has been a bit chilly lately. Down in the low teens some nights. Snow...ice...and since I am off for winter break, I so don't care!

This picture was taken a few years ago, but it looks pretty much the same. To get another one, I'd have to actually go outside. (ADDED NOTE: there is even MORE snow out there now. Drifts are as high as the tires of my car and temps are hanging around the high teens. Brrrrr. )

I've been too busy sewing to actually do that. Finished my son's quilt, made another quilt for Project Linus, made a sunhat for my grandgirl to wear in Hawaii and a new nightie for her as well. I have started a cloth alphabet book for my neighbor's little one. She just turned a year old last month.

And I have started one more quilt for Project Linus using the HSTs for a Depression Block swap of a few years ago on Delphi's Quilting With a Passion forum.

So the weather prevented me from weighing in this morning, but I FEEL smaller :) According to my own scales, I am down a few pounds. But I don't know how my scales compare to the "official" scales. I will make it a pound down on my graph and then next week I will be surprised at four! :)

No massage yet for my second 15 pounds. I made an appointment for last Tuesday but the therapist couldn't get down off the hill to come on. So we rescheduled for today. Again she couldn't get off the hill. So this will happen sooner or later. Meanwhile, the music plays on...

Check out weekly pic...see what you can see :)
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I went down down down and the flames went higher...

2008-12-12T21:40:00.000-08:00

My weigh in today was a surprise. I dropped the water gain from the week before with a loss of .8 of a pound more. So between the two weeks, I lost almost a pound. This was, I must add, after goooooooing half the night from diuretics. I really want to get away from using diuretics but it is really too upsetting to be up 8 pounds one week and down 14 the next. So Thursday evenings I take the diuretics. For my soul :)

Now, I need to remember to make good choices. Choices that keep me satisfied so I don't go trolling for food. This is a big goal this week.

Today is also a special day...I am finished for the term and have until January 5 to play and relax and sew. Life is good :) I have a few projects to finish. I am making my mom, daughter-in-law and sister quilted hot pad mitts. I have the tops finished...now to figure out how to create the whole thing. But hey I have time now!

Other new projects:

^I am also making my grandgirl a nightgown, sleeper (she likes feetsies in the sleepers, so I am making feetsies of course), and a dress. She selected the fabric and patterns. I selected the work.
^I am making my daughter-in-law a beautiful old fashioned nightie, made with white fabric and lace. Very Victorian. She has seen the pattern but doesn't know I am making this for her.
^And my son's queen-sized quilt has returned from the quilter, so I have the binding to do on that.
^My neighbor's baby girl is getting an alphabet book from me, appliqued letters and objects (A/apple)

So I am more than able to stay happily busy this winter break. Check out the weekly pic...still showing a bit.

Also I decided not to get a perm for my hair. It has been difficult for me to change my hair...when I was a redhead, I had naturally curly hair. Now that I have let myself go grey, my hair has gone straight as a board. So for the first time in my life, I got a perm. It didn't hold long, so we did it again in smaller curlers. It held. The problem is I have to live with the Q-Tip head for about two weeks. And the smell nearly knocks me over, also for at least two weeks. So I just said fergetaboutit. We cut it differently so I can get used to the straight. Man who knew I so strongly identified with being a curly-haired redhead...

And so, yeah...the beat goes on.... peace~~~

2008-12-11T07:08:00.000-08:00

Lethargism Sets in...

I have been so lethargic this week. Doug has been ill and I have been fighting his cold, I think. But I come home from school and sit. Sometimes I fall asleep while I am sitting. I don't feel like sewing. I don't feel like typing. I just sit. And sometimes nap :) Ha! Perhaps this is what it is like growing old...sitting and napping. I need a good solid rocker on the front porch. That way I can yell at the neighbor kids between napping as I sit.

Here is a self-portrait that Kaity made when she visited me at school. She told me her hair was flying away from her head from running. I was impressed that she had given herself a neck. That was a new development. It reminds me of a story a colleague told me about her oldest boy. He drew a head and what appeared to be a neck, exactly as Kaity did in this picture. His aunt, who was studying to be a special ed teacher, told my colleague what a genius was the boy. He was such early development, drawing a neck on a figure. She went on and on, raving at his ability. So the mom took the picture to the son and asked him what the "neck" was on the head. "That's my legs," the son replied.

The week before I had tons of energy and made or finished quite a few projects. Every year my partner and I adopt a family for Christmas and if I have enough time, I made the family a quilt. This year the family is only a young daughter and a mother, so I made them both a quilt. I fell in love with this kitty. It is a pattern from Mary Lou & Company, called Kat's Pajamas.

The family we adopt is always a student at the college. This particular family just escaped from an abusive relationship and has very little. As is so common, the mother asked for things for her daughter, nothing for herself. We always ignore the request to not think of the mom... The mom's quilt was a Wicked Easy pattern--so simple. I believe this specific pattern is no longer available online. It is made with 12 fat quarters. I bought the FQs on a trip to the Oregon coast this summer. An online quilting friend came out from NC to visit and I took her to the coast :)

I have set up a massage for next Tuesday. Lethargic has meant not being as careful about what I eat, but I am going to get my reward massage in! I have been eating okay dokey...just not making the greatest choices. *sigh* This journey is not fun right now :)

And the beat goes on. peace~~

2008-12-07T09:41:00.001-08:00

Things Are Not Always As They Seem... snail picture curtesy of Kaity

I was thinking about all this as I drove from my weigh in to the school meeting I had on Friday. The scales showed that I was up 2.6 pounds, even though I had eaten just right. My initial reaction was that I had goofed and had been eating more points than "allowed." But I knew that I was staying within my points. Even given Thanksgiving, I stayed within my points. So I told myself that I have no control over what my body does with what I put into it. I reminded myself that this isn't a real gain but just a gain. I reminded myself that I had been up over 8 pounds earlier in the week. I reminded myself it is all about the journey. I then turned up the music in the car and drove on to my half-day meeting.

On the way home, I stopped to get some lunch and ordered a burrito. I often buy a burrito and cut it into thirds to have for lunch all week. That makes the points reasonable (5.5 points rather than the 18 points for the whole thing). I ate the whole thing. And I was very full, but still wanted a little something to top it off. I ate my normal 100-calorie chocolate covered pretzels. I was satisfied and I cut out and sewed a quilt top the rest of the afternoon. But I felt lethargic and hated the top--too pastel (I really don't care for a bunch of pastels...need spunk!). I sat in Doug's chair and watched TV until he came home. I teared up at commercials...

When Doug arrived home, I told him that I wasn't reacting well to the weight gain and I knew it was hormones...but it was still a problem. All the signs were there. Eating and can't get full, lethargic, fluid retention, tearing up at commercials. Yes, it was hormones.

Okay, so we decided to make pizzas for dinner. We make them from scratch, individual ones. I make a good veggie pizza and I thought that would be a nice topper for the day. Ooops...out of pizza sauce. Doug decided to use salsa as the sauce. I just acted cranky. Made a salad. I baked a bag of tater tots. Acted cranky. Decided to make a veggie foccaca breadish kind of thing. I ate everything, plus ranch dressing for the tater tots (which I hate...I really hate. I had the bag here for a visit by my grandgirl but forgot to make her some of them. I still hate tater tots. But I ate them!).

I thought that if it really is about the journey, if I really do want to explore all the good and bad and interesting and not as helpful things I do to help myself or to sabotage myself, then I need to write this all down. I didn't react well to a small weight up. I took that out by eating a larger lunch than I would normally do (although having a burrito for lunch before WW was nothing!). I was cranky. I wanted to eat something sinful and ignore that there is something important called portion control. I wanted not to care.

I also knew as I got ready for bed that it was over. I knew the next day would be back to normal.

I tracked it all. I didn't go over weekly and daily points. I was saved by the weekly points. But even if I wasn't over points, the choices were interesting. To quote Scarlett O'Hara, "After all...Tomorrow is another day."

I don't see any change in my weekly picture. But I guess the big changes are over for now. Small changes. Doug says he can see some difference.

And so the beat goes on. peace~~

2008-11-28T21:53:00.001-08:00

Imagine my surprise when I got on the scales this morning that I had dropped over 5 pounds this week! I not only get a massage (YIPPEESKIPPEE!! I get a massage!), I hit the first 10% of my total weight. I received a little key chain from Weight Watchers for that milestone.

So here I was, fresh from an hour and a half shopping when I weighted in. See, I spent the first few hours of the morning shopping. I hit one store--every year my daughter-in-law and I hit the one store--and buy all the items for a family we adopt every year. This year's family is a little three-year-old girl and her mother. They just escaped a home filled with violence and have very little. I bought them some warm clothes and some toys for the little one. I also make the family a quilt. I have the cutest one I am ready to quilt for the little girl and the one for her mother will be ready to quilt on Sunday.

One factor in this loss was I had not yet had Thanksgiving dinner. The kids went to my daughter-in-law's family on Thursday. My elder son really wants Thanksgiving and Easter and Christmas spent with family. I don't blame him, but I don't care what is the day. I feel sure this is a carry over from when he was a little guy and he never spent holidays with his "family," but always with his father's new family. The kids would spend Christmas eve with their dad and sometime Christmas day he would bring them home. Now some 25-30 years later he is feeling the need to be with us on holidays. Me too, only I don't care what day. Thus, we had Thanksgiving today :)

Whew. Thirty five pounds. Life is good. The weekly pic isn't all that great but I can see a little difference. The hair is bad from not washing and then spending hours shopping. Gawd I hate shopping!

peace~~~

2008-11-21T22:10:00.000-08:00

Another 1.5 pounds sluffed off along the road of life. These ounces were hard-won as I was up almost 10 pounds the night before. That was a loooooooooot of peeing! And look at those numbers! The body is going to make me work for that last half pound! Grrrrrrrrrrr I want that massage reward at 30 pounds! Maybe when I weigh in the day after Thanksgiving that last half pound will show up. hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

It's been a busy week with finishing speeches and grading and lectures and meetings and sewing. Lots of sewing these past few days. Finished binding a king quilt for our bed. I had not played with a king in years (quilt, silly! Although now that I think about it, I never have actually played with a king. A bear on occasion but no king ;) )...anyway I had not made a king sized quilt in years and had forgotten how much work it was to bind!

I also made a baby quilt for a colleague. His life is busy. He is on a one-term sabbatical to finish his PhD, was just re-elected to the Oregon House of Representatives, is expecting his first baby in January, and is planning on his wedding in December. He's usually a slug, so this is a busy time for him!

Then, I finished a quilt top for my son's birthday quilt...only promised him this quilt last February for his birthday! He has been nagging me for about a year. His surprise at Christmas this year will be this quilt. It was made from a block of the month from Claudia's Quilt Shoppe. Added borders to make it a queen sized quilt. It will be ready by Christmas this year :)

And the final thing I have sewn this past week is a dress for my grandgirl. Last summer I found this great pattern. Kaity always helps me select the fabrics for her clothes. I promised her two things last Christmas, after watching her face fall while opening different boxes that held the three complete outfits I made for her.

No clothes for gifts ever again
No surprise fabrics for any outfit

So picking out fabrics is a Mamaw and Kaity time together. I buy her a fat quarter each time we go to the fabric store. It goes into the Kaity Stash bin. Soon we will make a quilt together.

Tonight Kaity invited me to a Tea Party with her Girl Scout troop. She is a Daisy Girl. Five years old is the perfect age, isn't it? I walked her to the bus stop this morning. What a bundle of joy! She skipped and danced all the way. Lots of hugs and kisses. Life is good :)

A friend on the Quilting Forum on Delphi send me a cute panel that I am planning to quilt this weekend. It will be donated to Project Linus. Most years I try to make a few quilts for PL. This past year I didn't have much time to sew as my hands were full while acting the position of Division Dean. Now I have time again :)

Life is good :)

Weekly pic is not that different than the week before. People are actually starting to notice except they don't know they are noticing. Most people ask if I have done something different with my hair or ask if I have had a hair cut. I just nod and smile LOL

Take care of one another. Spread positive energy~~ Practice peace~~~

2008-11-14T10:22:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling good lately. My naturopath has been giving me Lazar-light pain treatments for my lower back--I have constant spasms in my lower back because my gait is off. Even with a knee replacement, my right knee will not go completely straight nor bend more than about 100 degrees. So my gait is off. Anyway, we have been working with a Lazar-light pain treatment that is doing a good job. Less spasms, less pain, and more comfort! So I have been feeling good.

And I have been moving better. The less pain is part of the reason and the loss of 28 pounds! Yes! A loss of 3.6 pounds showed up on the scales today at weigh in. I still have excess fluid, but the weight was leaving....the body finally let it show up! YippeeSkippee!

I also figured out why the fluid is hanging around so much--along with other problems that had been working just fine for the past few months. A few weeks ago I had serious arthritis pain in my "good" knee and the orthopedic doctor gave me a shot of cortisone. Now cortisone has never worked for me, but I thought maybe this was okay this time. Naw...my body just doesn't like cortisone. It blocks hormone replacement stuff, gives me headaches, I get all weepy and cranky and my body just falls apart...and meanwhile the cortisone wears off within oh maybe 1.5 weeks rather than the usual 4-6 months. So this accounts for the extremes I have been experiencing. I thanked myself for my diagnosis, paid me my usual fee, and told me to call me in the morning.

Twenty eight pounds. I can see a difference this week in my weekly picture. Peace~~

2008-11-09T15:51:00.000-08:00

Ornaments and Applique

On the Quilting with a Passion forum, we are having an ornament swap. I am not very crafty. Oh I like crafts, but they always tend to look like they did when I was in grade school. Now that wasn't a plea for compliments, but the truth. But I still go forward with projects, even though the finished results are very different than what was in my head. Here is my contribution to the swap... They look pretty good because you can't see the glue LOL Hey. I just noticed that sitting there they are kind of cute :)

And back in September, I took a trip with my friend Dorothy to visit our friend Sheryl--scrapquilter--who is an excellent needle-turn applique quilting person.

She made this beautiful wallhanging for me and one for Dorothy! It jes don't get no sweeter than this!

Sheryl helped me get some of the blocks ready for sewing and taught me how to needle-turn...none of these hearts are great but they are finished!This is just four of the 12 I will be making for the quilt I have in mind--each block has a different color theme of scrappy hearts.

I am really not very good at this skill (I am not a perfectionist in my sewing) nor very fast, but I am determined to finish this quilt top before I die :) I have a small wallhanging I want to make my mom for Christmas--bought when I was back in St. Louis with Dorothy and Sheryl--that is 100% needle-turn. I wanted a bit of practice first, but now it is time to start my mom's so that it is finished before Christmas!

2008-11-07T15:00:00.000-08:00

This week was better in how it showed up on the scales. I dropped the three pounds that I had gained last week plus half a pound more. That's a total of 24.6 pounds. I am happy with this.

I am still having a problem with excess fluid. As I have said before, my naturopathic doctor and I have been working on this problem. I have the ability to retain over 10 pounds, up to 20 on occasion, of fluid at times. My feet and legs are horrible like elephant legs with piggy feet, and then given a few weeks the fluid goes down to a normal five pounds excess. Historically I simply have an extra five pounds of fluid all the time. I could get rid of it with daily doses of diuretics, but usually I just lived with it. In part of my medical wholeness, we have been trying to find the cause of this and other pain and fluid problems--it could be an autoimmune disease. It is more likely morphed Fibromyalgia. But we are working on discovering the problems. Part of what I am taking is suppose to reduce the fluid without depleting the body of things it needs--it is not a diuretic. But it has been doing its job because I have only three pounds rather than 10-15-20. I did finally take a diuretic last evening. If I hadn't, I would have had a gain once again. Therefore, I do not believe that .6 pounds is the true loss for the past two weeks.

Evidence: while I can't tell a difference this week in the weekly picture, I see it at other times.

I have noticed that I have some bones in my shoulders on occasion.
When I put on the same each weigh-in week blouse and skirt, I noticed that the blouse tended to fall straight down across my hips rather than show a bulge on each side.
Movement is a bit easier; walking is not as big a deal. I had to walk the four blocks home from the bus stop a few nights ago and actually enjoyed it.

So I have lost almost 25 pounds. I am feeling good and pleased with myself, although disappointed that what I am doing is not showing up in traditional ways. I still have some fluid problems but am sludging my way through :) It is all about the journey, isn't it?

2008-10-31T22:23:00.000-07:00

Well...

Okay I was up. Really up. Three pounds up. My body fluctuates at times. Usually it is up maybe eight pounds of fluid and my feet are like little piggy feet. But the doctor and I have a good hold on controling the fluid and I was up only three pounds. Only slightly swollen ankles and fingers.

I knew that any loss I had would not show up on the scales. This one I could feel. But I still felt like crying when I saw it up so high. And even though I knew it was not what I was doing, but my body...I still felt like crying. Even though my weekly picture shows the change.

It is all about the journey. Part of this journey is watching what my body is doing in response to changes. If I keep my eyes on the journey, I will be okay. But the near-tears tell me it is hormones. I have no control over hormones. I have no control over my body's need for fluid. And I have no control over what the scales report.

I do have control over what I choose to eat. I do have control over how I respond to things. I do have control over living this life joyfully and fully.

My grandgirl is with us again tonight. We answered the door and gave away candy to all the trick-or-treaters. We searched for the hidden pictures in a new book. She fell asleep against my chest.

And with that, my friends, life jes don't get no better. Peace~~

2008-10-29T07:37:00.000-07:00

I have been really hungry the past two days and, while staying within my points overall, I have been eating more points. I usually stay on the lower end of points and now I am eating all my daily points plus parts of my weekly points.

I know part of the problem is that I am still not remembering to bring something to eat on the ride home from work. I just keep forgetting and I am really hungry after eating lunch somewhere between noon and 1:30 all the way until about 6:00 for dinner.

Another reason possibly is that I may be missing something from my diet and it is catching up with me. I don't eat a great deal of protein as compared to veggies. I eat black beans and tofu more than chicken and fish. And while they are filling and stick with you longer, perhaps I need to add more protein.

Another possibility is that I am having a hormone moment. I get this thing with hormones where I can't seem to get full, no matter how much I eat. I retain fluid like crazy in the same process. I am holding more fluid...maybe this is part of the hormone dump.

And the last possibility is that I haven't been eating all my points. Perhaps my body is just hungry because I ain't eating enough, period.

Whatever...I am hungry and trying to stay focused. I will make sure every day that I have a snack in my bag to eat on the way home, and have low-point dinners for a while so I can eat more and still stay within my point area. Ohhhh taco salad. Lots of lettuce and salsa, filling and low points overall :)

2008-10-25T06:49:00.000-07:00

I am trying to really pay attention to everything I am doing along this journey and am finding some interesting things. First, I can't tell if I have lost just by how I feel. I knew I had lost last week but didn't feel like I had this week. Oh I knew I had made good choices and stayed on points but it just didn't feel like I had lost anything. But I did--2.5 pounds for a total of 24. So going by how I feel isn't a good indicator of weight loss.

Another thing is that I am glad my week begins on Saturday for I have had something special on Friday for the past three weeks. Three weeks ago my dean had a get-together for the faculy and staff. Last week I made brunch for a retreat with my department. Last night was the celebration of Doug's birthday, Each week I planned what I was going to eat in a general way and saved up exra points for the event. And by weighing in on Friday morning I don't have to worry about fluid retention the next day if I eat things a bit richer than normal.

And lastly, this is the first week that I have not been able to see a change in my weekly picture. But good thing I have them going because I really CAN see changes as I go along.

My grandgirl stayed the night last night and today we are going to the Pumpkin Patch to find the best pumpkin. Then we will come home and carve that big guy before she goes home. I have been missing my girl as the remodeling of the bathroom has prevented her from staying with us all summer.

2008-10-21T20:54:00.000-07:00

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Great reward :) I am oiled and relaxed and feeling great :) Smell like lavender. And only 7.5 pounds until the next one! It jes don't get no better than this :)

2008-10-20T05:46:00.000-07:00

I'm getting my first reward massage Tuesday evening :) I hope I like this therapist because she is just up the street a ways. My daughter-in-law is a massage therapist and her table is being stored here at the house. But until we get the bathroom remodel finished--which may be never or forever or something--there is nowhere to put the table if she wants to do a massage.

But I am having my first 15 pound reward massage Tuesday evening :) Life is good.

2008-10-17T20:33:00.000-07:00

What a week! I was home ill for a couple of days. Sure seems like a small 24 hour bug used to take less than 24 hours to get back to snuff. But now I have hit that place where it takes a bit longer. I was still tired on Monday night so I stayed home on Tuesday as well. Slept in and did okay. By Wednesday I was back to normal. My students were so happy I was off...speeches were suppose to begin Monday and Tuesday. They all got a day of reprieve.

So weighed in this morning. Before weigh in, I had to start cooking for an eight-person brunch that was happening in my house at 8:30 this morning. My department, Performing Arts department. We decided to have a retreat. We had two major projects to get out of the pen and I thought making them breakfast at my place would be the best idea. Gawd I love these people. Such a handfull of creativity and fun. We talked and laughed and talked and laughed. We even got the work finished, although I had to leave them all because I had another appointment at 1:30. Asked them to shut the door behind themselves and ran off! Some stayed and cleared up the dished and put the food away. Good people :)

So anyway, I made a full brunch: biscuits and sausage gravy, quiche, fruit, danish, juice, coffee. And of course Diet Pepsi :) Delish! And I planned it all out so I could eat everything...it's all about portion control. And I still have some extra points for this week...this week that is over in a few hours.

But first I had to weigh in. Was I surprised to drop another 8 pounds! And those weekly pics are starting to look different :) That is a total of 21.5 pounds! Amazingly good job if I do say so myself *pat pat pat*

2008-10-11T16:52:00.000-07:00

I am in the process of figuring out rewards for weight loss. I have never been very good with self-rewards. See, buying myself things isn't really exciting since I could just buy myself something. So if I am going to reward myself, I need to find things that are really important to me, things I really want. For smaller rewards for smaller goals, perhaps a movie or a massage. Ohhhh a massage for a smaller goal like 15 pounds. Every 15 pounds I will get a massage. Every 25 pounds I will....hmmm....go to the movies and have a small bag of movie popcorn. That's not all that exciting a reward because what if I want to go see a movie and I have only lost 23 pounds? I have to rethink that one. I have found a reward for the first 50 pounds. This gorgeous outfit. It will be mine.....

Other rewards may be small goals or larger goals. Goals that are not about poundage but about behaviors. I will need to think about those as I recognize behaviors that are not helpful or those that are. My final reward for this portion of the journey--the reward for reaching goal--will be a beautiful ring Doug and I found at the jeweler's. It is gold and silver intertwined with diamonds and pearls. Very beautiful. It will also be mine :) peace~~

2008-10-10T17:28:00.000-07:00

This morning was this week's weigh in. I attend an early morning meeting--7 am--so I can weigh in and not come late to school. And I selected Fridays so that if I am latish due to traffic and such I won't have to rush to classes.

Now I get up every morning at 5:30 so I can catch the 6:45 bus. It gets me to campus by 8 am. Some mornings later...some mornings earlier. On days I drive, I get to sleep in until 6. Those are the best days :) So imagine my confusion on Fridays. I drive but still have to leave by 6:45 in order to get to the Weight Watcher meeting at 7:00. So I keep sleeping in until 6 and wonder why I am always late to the meeting! Apparently it is too early in the morning for me to figure that out. This morning I woke up early and had plenty of time to arrive at the meeting on time. But of course I didn't. Left same time as usual. How does that work?

Anyway, every evening before I weigh in, I get a little anxious that I won't have a weight loss. I mean I'm following the program, eating well, not making interesting choices that make me go, "Hmmmm," and yet I think I won't lose anything. I am not sure why. Perhaps it is because a few years ago I didn't lose anything while following the program. My body just said, "Nope not this time...not right now." But I faithfully go and I faithfully weigh in.

One of my problems is water retention. My body has always had the capacity to hold a bunch of fluid. I mean, I'm talking up to 20 pounds of fluid. When I was pregnant with my elder son, they had to hospitalize me in order to get rid of the fluid. That was a loss of 50 pounds. That's a huge bunch of fluid. But my day-to-day fluid is often 10 pounds, normally just around five. I can feel when it starts. My ankles and fingers swell so that it appears I have little piggy feet and fat fingers. I felt this starting this week. While riding home on the bus one afternoon, my ankles and feet started swelling.

So, I was not surprised when my weigh in had a .6 gain. I was not disappointed as much as resigned. Yeah a little disappointed but not enough to ruin my 14 pound loss. And that first flush of loss was of course fluid...but a nice bit of fluid for sure.

So I am up .6 pounds. But go look at my weekly pictures and you can see that I have continued to lose this week. It just isn't showing up on the scales yet. This weekly picture thingy is awesome!

I am going to post a good recipe now and again just because the recipe is good. First up will be Macaroni & Cheese. Yummy comfort food; low points :)

2008-10-06T21:38:00.000-07:00

Note to self: have something to snack on during the ride home on the bus.

I have been coming home really hungry and feeling almost depressed. Then after dinner I am feeling much better. Doug and I figured out it was low blood sugar. I have nothing to eat from lunch--sometime between noon and 1:30 (depending on the day)--until I finish making dinner at around 6 pm. So a small snack would be helpful for the bus ride home at 4:00.

And apple. A protein bar. Something.

And I need to carry water with me as well. But pleeeeeeeeeeease don't make me have to pee during the hour ride home! :)

2008-10-04T20:52:00.000-07:00

Well here's one for irony. I posted on Weight Watchers website my loss the second week and received this notice after posting:

Please note: You're probably excited to be losing weight, but you're losing faster than is recommended. Although it's normal to lose over 2 lbs in 1 week, if you lose more than an average of 2 lbs per week over a 4-week period, this could pose health risks, such as heart irregularities, anemia or loss of muscle mass. Please slow your weight loss; your doctor can help you do this if you're not sure how, or ask your Leader for ideas.

First time I have ever been told to eat more and lose less... I understand the message but this is just how my body is responding to eating less right now. Hey maybe a good belly laugh will help me lose my belly!

2008-10-04T07:23:00.000-07:00

The first week was a great simple exciting week. I followed the program and paid attention. It didn't matter that I had been here before. It mattered that I was now determined to follow through to the end.

Since I ride the bus every morning (unless I have a late meeting or an appointment after classes), I decided to make my lunches the night before and simply grab it all before I run out the door. I catch the bus at 6:45...running out the door is necessary if I don't want to stand around the bus stop in the pouring rain for long periods of time. But it worked out. It even worked out one day to put dinner in the crockpot. I have to work this out better. But I definitely planned my meals well.

Dropped 11 pounds that first week. I have over 100 pounds to lose--closer to 150 to be more exact. Losing 11 pounds for the first week is rewarding and exciting. But not unheard of...percentage-wise it is a drop in the bucket. But I was happy.

I wasn't as confident the second week. Now understand that usually by the second week I am already thinking I need to wear something lighter so that I weigh in better. But my resolve was not to think about what I wore and just go. I have one skirt that I wear more than any other and it is a heavy denim. I am going to wear it each week until it falls off...I have resolved that I would follow this program without trying to manipulate the scales.

So I found myself not as confident the second week. I was trying to explain this feeling to my partner the night before weigh-in. I knew I had followed the program just fine, writing everything down, eating what I needed but making good choices. But I just felt I had eaten too much because I was full all the time. In fact, I could have eatten less rather than eating all the points. But we are encouraged to eat all the pounts or else we will start feeling hungry and grab less interesting choices...because those cookies are there :)

So when I went Friday morning (just yesterday!) to weigh-in again I was pleased to see I had lost another three pounds.

The challenge this week is to have dinner meals ready to toss into the crockpot before I run for the bus. I have them all planned out--the what not necessarily the when, some lunches planned as well. I love this cookbook I have called Fix it and Forget It Lightly. The link I have for this book is a blog cookbook review. Great book. Good food. And low points for many.

Happy week!

2008-10-03T22:41:00.001-07:00

Well I finally did it. I simply woke up one morning and decided it was time. It could have been the fact I had to roll off the bed like a Weeble. It could have been because I had trouble sleeping at night at times, sleeping with a pillow for side support. Or maybe it was because I was just tired of looking like a beached whale at times. But I did it. I **ONCE AGAIN** joined Weight Watchers. I needed to wait a few days before I could attend a meeting, but it was a definite decision.

I lost a great deal of weight before I had knee replacement surgery two years ago and thought I was strong enough to keep it off. I wasn't. I lost and then regained 60 pounds all within a year. I was not happy with the way I looked, but that unhappiness didn't keep me from continuing to eat richly and in bulk. In truth though, I enjoyed life. I did activities. I went places and did things. Generally I was a happy person. And yeppers I was waaaaaaaaaaay overweight.

I went through what everyone seems to go through when it comes to losing weight...maybe it will come off on it's own. Maybe I should try this diet plan or that diet plan. Maybe surgery is the answer. Maybe there was a miracle drug that will make my life completely different. What really held me back is that I didn't think I could do it. Why bother, I thought. It was too much work--day in and day out, counting points, counting calories, weighing food, worrying about portion control. Besides, I'll just fail again.

I rejoined Weight Watchers because I knew I was going to die of a heart attack. I just felt it coming on and I didn't want to die. Two days after my decision, on September 19, 2008, I walked back through that door in Vancouver Washington eager to get on with this project.

I am going to keep a blog of this journey in order to help myself keep track of the process. I am also posting weekly pictures of myself as part of my motivation, hoping that it motivates me when the going gets rough or I get tired of the battle.