If You Only Walk on the Sunny Side

I have lost about 40 pounds. I can see the changes in my face. I am feeling like I have accomplished a great deal. And then I see a picture and realize I still have massive amounts of weight to lose...and it makes me tired that there is this big job...big job.

And it's not about people loving me, nor wanting to spend time with me. The hard part is that sometimes I just want it easy. I just want to go to bed and miraculously wake up and find 25 pounds gone. And then the following week, go to bed...and do this for a month. And then just stay down at that weight forever and ever. Magically :)

So, wanting it easy and finding it discouragingly difficult at times, I want to give up. Let's be honest here...I see pictures of people who are overweight and they look just fine... So I think what the heck?

Okay, so I am on this journey to its destination and beyond, for The Journey is life. And at this moment this part is not the easiest. But I need to write down all the things I am experiencing and this is one of them.

If you only walk on the sunny side of the street, you will never reach your destination...

peace~~
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Christmas News

We so rarely get snow that I just have to stand and look at it as it comes down. And come down it has for the past week. The airport was shut down for a while--that's how not used to this weather we are LOL. But my daughter in law and grandgirl were able to get home from Hawaii with only a 6 hour layover in San Francisco. During all this time, I never left the house. But I sewed and sewed and sewed...two dresses for my grandgirl, one nightie and one jammies with feet, three quilts for Project Linus, finished my son's quilt, and made some crazy quilt hot pads and hot mitt. I also made a cloth alphabet book for my neighbor's little one. I'm thinking I needed this break!


The cats had a good time as well. I fed the birds right outside the deck doors, mostly because I couldn't open the door any more than wide enough to put down a saucer. The cats sat there all day every day, watching the bird show. It was like Kitty TV. The next day the squirrels came also. Some gorgeous birds--robins and a orange/rust breasted bird about the size of a robin, possibly a thrush. This bird showed up a few years ago when we had a freeze and we fed the birds close by (I usually feed the birds out in the yard rather than the deck). In the process, four saucers became buried in the snow. As the snow has been melting yesterday and today, the layers of saucers are once again appearing.

No weigh in this week as the streets were still not drivable for me, especially at 6:30 am. Still eating well. Still making decisions. I ate more on Christmas day than I have been, but was so much less than "normal." Forgot to take a picture for my weekly pictures...I will try to remember to do this tomorrow :)

It really is about choices, learning how to make good ones. Learning when to let things pass. Learning how to pass up things, what to pass up when. Life is good. Three days with my grandgirl and my sons. Lots of good times. This is the Christmas news.

peace~~
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The Weather Outside Is Frightful...

Still singing. This time I am singing the snow song. Weather here in Portland has been a bit chilly lately. Down in the low teens some nights. Snow...ice...and since I am off for winter break, I so don't care!


This picture was taken a few years ago, but it looks pretty much the same. To get another one, I'd have to actually go outside. (ADDED NOTE: there is even MORE snow out there now. Drifts are as high as the tires of my car and temps are hanging around the high teens. Brrrrr. )
I've been too busy sewing to actually do that. Finished my son's quilt, made another quilt for Project Linus, made a sunhat for my grandgirl to wear in Hawaii and a new nightie for her as well. I have started a cloth alphabet book for my neighbor's little one. She just turned a year old last month.


And I have started one more quilt for Project Linus using the HSTs for a Depression Block swap of a few years ago on Delphi's Quilting With a Passion forum.

So the weather prevented me from weighing in this morning, but I FEEL smaller :) According to my own scales, I am down a few pounds. But I don't know how my scales compare to the "official" scales. I will make it a pound down on my graph and then next week I will be surprised at four! :)

No massage yet for my second 15 pounds. I made an appointment for last Tuesday but the therapist couldn't get down off the hill to come on. So we rescheduled for today. Again she couldn't get off the hill. So this will happen sooner or later. Meanwhile, the music plays on...

Check out weekly pic...see what you can see :)
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I went down down down and the flames went higher...

My weigh in today was a surprise. I dropped the water gain from the week before with a loss of .8 of a pound more. So between the two weeks, I lost almost a pound. This was, I must add, after goooooooing half the night from diuretics. I really want to get away from using diuretics but it is really too upsetting to be up 8 pounds one week and down 14 the next. So Thursday evenings I take the diuretics. For my soul :)

Now, I need to remember to make good choices. Choices that keep me satisfied so I don't go trolling for food. This is a big goal this week.

Today is also a special day...I am finished for the term and have until January 5 to play and relax and sew. Life is good :) I have a few projects to finish. I am making my mom, daughter-in-law and sister quilted hot pad mitts. I have the tops finished...now to figure out how to create the whole thing. But hey I have time now!

Other new projects:

• ^I am also making my grandgirl a nightgown, sleeper (she likes feetsies in the sleepers, so I am making feetsies of course), and a dress. She selected the fabric and patterns. I selected the work.
• ^I am making my daughter-in-law a beautiful old fashioned nightie, made with white fabric and lace. Very Victorian. She has seen the pattern but doesn't know I am making this for her.
• ^And my son's queen-sized quilt has returned from the quilter, so I have the binding to do on that.
• ^My neighbor's baby girl is getting an alphabet book from me, appliqued letters and objects (A/apple)

So I am more than able to stay happily busy this winter break. Check out the weekly pic...still showing a bit.

Also I decided not to get a perm for my hair. It has been difficult for me to change my hair...when I was a redhead, I had naturally curly hair. Now that I have let myself go grey, my hair has gone straight as a board. So for the first time in my life, I got a perm. It didn't hold long, so we did it again in smaller curlers. It held. The problem is I have to live with the Q-Tip head for about two weeks. And the smell nearly knocks me over, also for at least two weeks. So I just said fergetaboutit. We cut it differently so I can get used to the straight. Man who knew I so strongly identified with being a curly-haired redhead...

And so, yeah...the beat goes on.... peace~~~

Lethargism Sets in...

I have been so lethargic this week. Doug has been ill and I have been fighting his cold, I think. But I come home from school and sit. Sometimes I fall asleep while I am sitting. I don't feel like sewing. I don't feel like typing. I just sit. And sometimes nap :) Ha! Perhaps this is what it is like growing old...sitting and napping. I need a good solid rocker on the front porch. That way I can yell at the neighbor kids between napping as I sit.

Here is a self-portrait that Kaity made when she visited me at school. She told me her hair was flying away from her head from running. I was impressed that she had given herself a neck. That was a new development. It reminds me of a story a colleague told me about her oldest boy. He drew a head and what appeared to be a neck, exactly as Kaity did in this picture. His aunt, who was studying to be a special ed teacher, told my colleague what a genius was the boy. He was such early development, drawing a neck on a figure. She went on and on, raving at his ability. So the mom took the picture to the son and asked him what the "neck" was on the head. "That's my legs," the son replied.

The week before I had tons of energy and made or finished quite a few projects. Every year my partner and I adopt a family for Christmas and if I have enough time, I made the family a quilt. This year the family is only a young daughter and a mother, so I made them both a quilt. I fell in love with this kitty. It is a pattern from Mary Lou & Company, called Kat's Pajamas.

The family we adopt is always a student at the college. This particular family just escaped from an abusive relationship and has very little. As is so common, the mother asked for things for her daughter, nothing for herself. We always ignore the request to not think of the mom... The mom's quilt was a Wicked Easy pattern--so simple. I believe this specific pattern is no longer available online. It is made with 12 fat quarters. I bought the FQs on a trip to the Oregon coast this summer. An online quilting friend came out from NC to visit and I took her to the coast :)

I have set up a massage for next Tuesday. Lethargic has meant not being as careful about what I eat, but I am going to get my reward massage in! I have been eating okay dokey...just not making the greatest choices. *sigh* This journey is not fun right now :)

And the beat goes on. peace~~

Things Are Not Always As They Seem...

snail picture curtesy of Kaity

I was thinking about all this as I drove from my weigh in to the school meeting I had on Friday. The scales showed that I was up 2.6 pounds, even though I had eaten just right. My initial reaction was that I had goofed and had been eating more points than "allowed." But I knew that I was staying within my points. Even given Thanksgiving, I stayed within my points. So I told myself that I have no control over what my body does with what I put into it. I reminded myself that this isn't a real gain but just a gain. I reminded myself that I had been up over 8 pounds earlier in the week. I reminded myself it is all about the journey. I then turned up the music in the car and drove on to my half-day meeting.

On the way home, I stopped to get some lunch and ordered a burrito. I often buy a burrito and cut it into thirds to have for lunch all week. That makes the points reasonable (5.5 points rather than the 18 points for the whole thing). I ate the whole thing. And I was very full, but still wanted a little something to top it off. I ate my normal 100-calorie chocolate covered pretzels. I was satisfied and I cut out and sewed a quilt top the rest of the afternoon. But I felt lethargic and hated the top--too pastel (I really don't care for a bunch of pastels...need spunk!). I sat in Doug's chair and watched TV until he came home. I teared up at commercials...

When Doug arrived home, I told him that I wasn't reacting well to the weight gain and I knew it was hormones...but it was still a problem. All the signs were there. Eating and can't get full, lethargic, fluid retention, tearing up at commercials. Yes, it was hormones.

Okay, so we decided to make pizzas for dinner. We make them from scratch, individual ones. I make a good veggie pizza and I thought that would be a nice topper for the day. Ooops...out of pizza sauce. Doug decided to use salsa as the sauce. I just acted cranky. Made a salad. I baked a bag of tater tots. Acted cranky. Decided to make a veggie foccaca breadish kind of thing. I ate everything, plus ranch dressing for the tater tots (which I hate...I really hate. I had the bag here for a visit by my grandgirl but forgot to make her some of them. I still hate tater tots. But I ate them!).

I thought that if it really is about the journey, if I really do want to explore all the good and bad and interesting and not as helpful things I do to help myself or to sabotage myself, then I need to write this all down. I didn't react well to a small weight up. I took that out by eating a larger lunch than I would normally do (although having a burrito for lunch before WW was nothing!). I was cranky. I wanted to eat something sinful and ignore that there is something important called portion control. I wanted not to care.

I also knew as I got ready for bed that it was over. I knew the next day would be back to normal.

I tracked it all. I didn't go over weekly and daily points. I was saved by the weekly points. But even if I wasn't over points, the choices were interesting. To quote Scarlett O'Hara, "After all...Tomorrow is another day."

I don't see any change in my weekly picture. But I guess the big changes are over for now. Small changes. Doug says he can see some difference.

And so the beat goes on. peace~~

Imagine my surprise when I got on the scales this morning that I had dropped over 5 pounds this week! I not only get a massage (YIPPEESKIPPEE!! I get a massage!), I hit the first 10% of my total weight. I received a little key chain from Weight Watchers for that milestone.

So here I was, fresh from an hour and a half shopping when I weighted in. See, I spent the first few hours of the morning shopping. I hit one store--every year my daughter-in-law and I hit the one store--and buy all the items for a family we adopt every year. This year's family is a little three-year-old girl and her mother. They just escaped a home filled with violence and have very little. I bought them some warm clothes and some toys for the little one. I also make the family a quilt. I have the cutest one I am ready to quilt for the little girl and the one for her mother will be ready to quilt on Sunday.

One factor in this loss was I had not yet had Thanksgiving dinner. The kids went to my daughter-in-law's family on Thursday. My elder son really wants Thanksgiving and Easter and Christmas spent with family. I don't blame him, but I don't care what is the day. I feel sure this is a carry over from when he was a little guy and he never spent holidays with his "family," but always with his father's new family. The kids would spend Christmas eve with their dad and sometime Christmas day he would bring them home. Now some 25-30 years later he is feeling the need to be with us on holidays. Me too, only I don't care what day. Thus, we had Thanksgiving today :)

Whew. Thirty five pounds. Life is good. The weekly pic isn't all that great but I can see a little difference. The hair is bad from not washing and then spending hours shopping. Gawd I hate shopping!

peace~~~

Another 1.5 pounds sluffed off along the road of life. These ounces were hard-won as I was up almost 10 pounds the night before. That was a loooooooooot of peeing! And look at those numbers! The body is going to make me work for that last half pound! Grrrrrrrrrrr I want that massage reward at 30 pounds! Maybe when I weigh in the day after Thanksgiving that last half pound will show up. hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

It's been a busy week with finishing speeches and grading and lectures and meetings and sewing. Lots of sewing these past few days. Finished binding a king quilt for our bed. I had not played with a king in years (quilt, silly! Although now that I think about it, I never have actually played with a king. A bear on occasion but no king ;) )...anyway I had not made a king sized quilt in years and had forgotten how much work it was to bind!

I also made a baby quilt for a colleague. His life is busy. He is on a one-term sabbatical to finish his PhD, was just re-elected to the Oregon House of Representatives, is expecting his first baby in January, and is planning on his wedding in December. He's usually a slug, so this is a busy time for him!

Then, I finished a quilt top for my son's birthday quilt...only promised him this quilt last February for his birthday! He has been nagging me for about a year. His surprise at Christmas this year will be this quilt. It was made from a block of the month from Claudia's Quilt Shoppe. Added borders to make it a queen sized quilt. It will be ready by Christmas this year :)

And the final thing I have sewn this past week is a dress for my grandgirl. Last summer I found this great pattern. Kaity always helps me select the fabrics for her clothes. I promised her two things last Christmas, after watching her face fall while opening different boxes that held the three complete outfits I made for her.

1. No clothes for gifts ever again
2. No surprise fabrics for any outfit

So picking out fabrics is a Mamaw and Kaity time together. I buy her a fat quarter each time we go to the fabric store. It goes into the Kaity Stash bin. Soon we will make a quilt together.

Tonight Kaity invited me to a Tea Party with her Girl Scout troop. She is a Daisy Girl. Five years old is the perfect age, isn't it? I walked her to the bus stop this morning. What a bundle of joy! She skipped and danced all the way. Lots of hugs and kisses. Life is good :)

A friend on the Quilting Forum on Delphi send me a cute panel that I am planning to quilt this weekend. It will be donated to Project Linus. Most years I try to make a few quilts for PL. This past year I didn't have much time to sew as my hands were full while acting the position of Division Dean. Now I have time again :)

Life is good :)

Weekly pic is not that different than the week before. People are actually starting to notice except they don't know they are noticing. Most people ask if I have done something different with my hair or ask if I have had a hair cut. I just nod and smile LOL

Take care of one another. Spread positive energy~~ Practice peace~~~

I have been feeling good lately. My naturopath has been giving me Lazar-light pain treatments for my lower back--I have constant spasms in my lower back because my gait is off. Even with a knee replacement, my right knee will not go completely straight nor bend more than about 100 degrees. So my gait is off. Anyway, we have been working with a Lazar-light pain treatment that is doing a good job. Less spasms, less pain, and more comfort! So I have been feeling good.

And I have been moving better. The less pain is part of the reason and the loss of 28 pounds! Yes! A loss of 3.6 pounds showed up on the scales today at weigh in. I still have excess fluid, but the weight was leaving....the body finally let it show up! YippeeSkippee!

I also figured out why the fluid is hanging around so much--along with other problems that had been working just fine for the past few months. A few weeks ago I had serious arthritis pain in my "good" knee and the orthopedic doctor gave me a shot of cortisone. Now cortisone has never worked for me, but I thought maybe this was okay this time. Naw...my body just doesn't like cortisone. It blocks hormone replacement stuff, gives me headaches, I get all weepy and cranky and my body just falls apart...and meanwhile the cortisone wears off within oh maybe 1.5 weeks rather than the usual 4-6 months. So this accounts for the extremes I have been experiencing. I thanked myself for my diagnosis, paid me my usual fee, and told me to call me in the morning.

Twenty eight pounds. I can see a difference this week in my weekly picture. Peace~~

Ornaments and Applique

On the Quilting with a Passion forum, we are having an ornament swap. I am not very crafty. Oh I like crafts, but they always tend to look like they did when I was in grade school. Now that wasn't a plea for compliments, but the truth. But I still go forward with projects, even though the finished results are very different than what was in my head. Here is my contribution to the swap... They look pretty good because you can't see the glue LOL Hey. I just noticed that sitting there they are kind of cute :)

And back in September, I took a trip with my friend Dorothy to visit our friend Sheryl--scrapquilter--who is an excellent needle-turn applique quilting person.

She made this beautiful wallhanging for me and one for Dorothy! It jes don't get no sweeter than this!

Sheryl helped me get some of the blocks ready for sewing and taught me how to needle-turn...none of these hearts are great but they are finished!This is just four of the 12 I will be making for the quilt I have in mind--each block has a different color theme of scrappy hearts.

I am really not very good at this skill (I am not a perfectionist in my sewing) nor very fast, but I am determined to finish this quilt top before I die :) I have a small wallhanging I want to make my mom for Christmas--bought when I was back in St. Louis with Dorothy and Sheryl--that is 100% needle-turn. I wanted a bit of practice first, but now it is time to start my mom's so that it is finished before Christmas!

This week was better in how it showed up on the scales. I dropped the three pounds that I had gained last week plus half a pound more. That's a total of 24.6 pounds. I am happy with this.

I am still having a problem with excess fluid. As I have said before, my naturopathic doctor and I have been working on this problem. I have the ability to retain over 10 pounds, up to 20 on occasion, of fluid at times. My feet and legs are horrible like elephant legs with piggy feet, and then given a few weeks the fluid goes down to a normal five pounds excess. Historically I simply have an extra five pounds of fluid all the time. I could get rid of it with daily doses of diuretics, but usually I just lived with it. In part of my medical wholeness, we have been trying to find the cause of this and other pain and fluid problems--it could be an autoimmune disease. It is more likely morphed Fibromyalgia. But we are working on discovering the problems. Part of what I am taking is suppose to reduce the fluid without depleting the body of things it needs--it is not a diuretic. But it has been doing its job because I have only three pounds rather than 10-15-20. I did finally take a diuretic last evening. If I hadn't, I would have had a gain once again. Therefore, I do not believe that .6 pounds is the true loss for the past two weeks.

Evidence: while I can't tell a difference this week in the weekly picture, I see it at other times.

• I have noticed that I have some bones in my shoulders on occasion.
• When I put on the same each weigh-in week blouse and skirt, I noticed that the blouse tended to fall straight down across my hips rather than show a bulge on each side.
• Movement is a bit easier; walking is not as big a deal. I had to walk the four blocks home from the bus stop a few nights ago and actually enjoyed it.

So I have lost almost 25 pounds. I am feeling good and pleased with myself, although disappointed that what I am doing is not showing up in traditional ways. I still have some fluid problems but am sludging my way through :) It is all about the journey, isn't it?

Well...

Okay I was up. Really up. Three pounds up. My body fluctuates at times. Usually it is up maybe eight pounds of fluid and my feet are like little piggy feet. But the doctor and I have a good hold on controling the fluid and I was up only three pounds. Only slightly swollen ankles and fingers.

I knew that any loss I had would not show up on the scales. This one I could feel. But I still felt like crying when I saw it up so high. And even though I knew it was not what I was doing, but my body...I still felt like crying. Even though my weekly picture shows the change.

It is all about the journey. Part of this journey is watching what my body is doing in response to changes. If I keep my eyes on the journey, I will be okay. But the near-tears tell me it is hormones. I have no control over hormones. I have no control over my body's need for fluid. And I have no control over what the scales report.

I do have control over what I choose to eat. I do have control over how I respond to things. I do have control over living this life joyfully and fully.


My grandgirl is with us again tonight. We answered the door and gave away candy to all the trick-or-treaters. We searched for the hidden pictures in a new book. She fell asleep against my chest.

And with that, my friends, life jes don't get no better. Peace~~

I have been really hungry the past two days and, while staying within my points overall, I have been eating more points. I usually stay on the lower end of points and now I am eating all my daily points plus parts of my weekly points.

I know part of the problem is that I am still not remembering to bring something to eat on the ride home from work. I just keep forgetting and I am really hungry after eating lunch somewhere between noon and 1:30 all the way until about 6:00 for dinner.

Another reason possibly is that I may be missing something from my diet and it is catching up with me. I don't eat a great deal of protein as compared to veggies. I eat black beans and tofu more than chicken and fish. And while they are filling and stick with you longer, perhaps I need to add more protein.

Another possibility is that I am having a hormone moment. I get this thing with hormones where I can't seem to get full, no matter how much I eat. I retain fluid like crazy in the same process. I am holding more fluid...maybe this is part of the hormone dump.

And the last possibility is that I haven't been eating all my points. Perhaps my body is just hungry because I ain't eating enough, period.

Whatever...I am hungry and trying to stay focused. I will make sure every day that I have a snack in my bag to eat on the way home, and have low-point dinners for a while so I can eat more and still stay within my point area. Ohhhh taco salad. Lots of lettuce and salsa, filling and low points overall :)

I am trying to really pay attention to everything I am doing along this journey and am finding some interesting things. First, I can't tell if I have lost just by how I feel. I knew I had lost last week but didn't feel like I had this week. Oh I knew I had made good choices and stayed on points but it just didn't feel like I had lost anything. But I did--2.5 pounds for a total of 24. So going by how I feel isn't a good indicator of weight loss.
Another thing is that I am glad my week begins on Saturday for I have had something special on Friday for the past three weeks. Three weeks ago my dean had a get-together for the faculy and staff. Last week I made brunch for a retreat with my department. Last night was the celebration of Doug's birthday, Each week I planned what I was going to eat in a general way and saved up exra points for the event. And by weighing in on Friday morning I don't have to worry about fluid retention the next day if I eat things a bit richer than normal.

And lastly, this is the first week that I have not been able to see a change in my weekly picture. But good thing I have them going because I really CAN see changes as I go along.
My grandgirl stayed the night last night and today we are going to the Pumpkin Patch to find the best pumpkin. Then we will come home and carve that big guy before she goes home. I have been missing my girl as the remodeling of the bathroom has prevented her from staying with us all summer.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Great reward :) I am oiled and relaxed and feeling great :) Smell like lavender. And only 7.5 pounds until the next one! It jes don't get no better than this :)

I'm getting my first reward massage Tuesday evening :) I hope I like this therapist because she is just up the street a ways. My daughter-in-law is a massage therapist and her table is being stored here at the house. But until we get the bathroom remodel finished--which may be never or forever or something--there is nowhere to put the table if she wants to do a massage.

But I am having my first 15 pound reward massage Tuesday evening :) Life is good.

What a week! I was home ill for a couple of days. Sure seems like a small 24 hour bug used to take less than 24 hours to get back to snuff. But now I have hit that place where it takes a bit longer. I was still tired on Monday night so I stayed home on Tuesday as well. Slept in and did okay. By Wednesday I was back to normal. My students were so happy I was off...speeches were suppose to begin Monday and Tuesday. They all got a day of reprieve.

So weighed in this morning. Before weigh in, I had to start cooking for an eight-person brunch that was happening in my house at 8:30 this morning. My department, Performing Arts department. We decided to have a retreat. We had two major projects to get out of the pen and I thought making them breakfast at my place would be the best idea. Gawd I love these people. Such a handfull of creativity and fun. We talked and laughed and talked and laughed. We even got the work finished, although I had to leave them all because I had another appointment at 1:30. Asked them to shut the door behind themselves and ran off! Some stayed and cleared up the dished and put the food away. Good people :)

So anyway, I made a full brunch: biscuits and sausage gravy, quiche, fruit, danish, juice, coffee. And of course Diet Pepsi :) Delish! And I planned it all out so I could eat everything...it's all about portion control. And I still have some extra points for this week...this week that is over in a few hours.

But first I had to weigh in. Was I surprised to drop another 8 pounds! And those weekly pics are starting to look different :) That is a total of 21.5 pounds! Amazingly good job if I do say so myself *pat pat pat*

I am in the process of figuring out rewards for weight loss. I have never been very good with self-rewards. See, buying myself things isn't really exciting since I could just buy myself something. So if I am going to reward myself, I need to find things that are really important to me, things I really want. For smaller rewards for smaller goals, perhaps a movie or a massage. Ohhhh a massage for a smaller goal like 15 pounds. Every 15 pounds I will get a massage. Every 25 pounds I will....hmmm....go to the movies and have a small bag of movie popcorn. That's not all that exciting a reward because what if I want to go see a movie and I have only lost 23 pounds? I have to rethink that one. I have found a reward for the first 50 pounds. This gorgeous outfit. It will be mine.....

Other rewards may be small goals or larger goals. Goals that are not about poundage but about behaviors. I will need to think about those as I recognize behaviors that are not helpful or those that are. My final reward for this portion of the journey--the reward for reaching goal--will be a beautiful ring Doug and I found at the jeweler's. It is gold and silver intertwined with diamonds and pearls. Very beautiful. It will also be mine :) peace~~

This morning was this week's weigh in. I attend an early morning meeting--7 am--so I can weigh in and not come late to school. And I selected Fridays so that if I am latish due to traffic and such I won't have to rush to classes.

Now I get up every morning at 5:30 so I can catch the 6:45 bus. It gets me to campus by 8 am. Some mornings later...some mornings earlier. On days I drive, I get to sleep in until 6. Those are the best days :) So imagine my confusion on Fridays. I drive but still have to leave by 6:45 in order to get to the Weight Watcher meeting at 7:00. So I keep sleeping in until 6 and wonder why I am always late to the meeting! Apparently it is too early in the morning for me to figure that out. This morning I woke up early and had plenty of time to arrive at the meeting on time. But of course I didn't. Left same time as usual. How does that work?

Anyway, every evening before I weigh in, I get a little anxious that I won't have a weight loss. I mean I'm following the program, eating well, not making interesting choices that make me go, "Hmmmm," and yet I think I won't lose anything. I am not sure why. Perhaps it is because a few years ago I didn't lose anything while following the program. My body just said, "Nope not this time...not right now." But I faithfully go and I faithfully weigh in.

One of my problems is water retention. My body has always had the capacity to hold a bunch of fluid. I mean, I'm talking up to 20 pounds of fluid. When I was pregnant with my elder son, they had to hospitalize me in order to get rid of the fluid. That was a loss of 50 pounds. That's a huge bunch of fluid. But my day-to-day fluid is often 10 pounds, normally just around five. I can feel when it starts. My ankles and fingers swell so that it appears I have little piggy feet and fat fingers. I felt this starting this week. While riding home on the bus one afternoon, my ankles and feet started swelling.

So, I was not surprised when my weigh in had a .6 gain. I was not disappointed as much as resigned. Yeah a little disappointed but not enough to ruin my 14 pound loss. And that first flush of loss was of course fluid...but a nice bit of fluid for sure.

So I am up .6 pounds. But go look at my weekly pictures and you can see that I have continued to lose this week. It just isn't showing up on the scales yet. This weekly picture thingy is awesome!

I am going to post a good recipe now and again just because the recipe is good. First up will be Macaroni & Cheese. Yummy comfort food; low points :)

Note to self: have something to snack on during the ride home on the bus.

I have been coming home really hungry and feeling almost depressed. Then after dinner I am feeling much better. Doug and I figured out it was low blood sugar. I have nothing to eat from lunch--sometime between noon and 1:30 (depending on the day)--until I finish making dinner at around 6 pm. So a small snack would be helpful for the bus ride home at 4:00.

And apple. A protein bar. Something.

And I need to carry water with me as well. But pleeeeeeeeeeease don't make me have to pee during the hour ride home! :)

Well here's one for irony. I posted on Weight Watchers website my loss the second week and received this notice after posting:

Please note: You're probably excited to be losing weight, but you're losing faster than is recommended. Although it's normal to lose over 2 lbs in 1 week, if you lose more than an average of 2 lbs per week over a 4-week period, this could pose health risks, such as heart irregularities, anemia or loss of muscle mass. Please slow your weight loss; your doctor can help you do this if you're not sure how, or ask your Leader for ideas.

First time I have ever been told to eat more and lose less... I understand the message but this is just how my body is responding to eating less right now. Hey maybe a good belly laugh will help me lose my belly!

The first week was a great simple exciting week. I followed the program and paid attention. It didn't matter that I had been here before. It mattered that I was now determined to follow through to the end.

Since I ride the bus every morning (unless I have a late meeting or an appointment after classes), I decided to make my lunches the night before and simply grab it all before I run out the door. I catch the bus at 6:45...running out the door is necessary if I don't want to stand around the bus stop in the pouring rain for long periods of time. But it worked out. It even worked out one day to put dinner in the crockpot. I have to work this out better. But I definitely planned my meals well.

Dropped 11 pounds that first week. I have over 100 pounds to lose--closer to 150 to be more exact. Losing 11 pounds for the first week is rewarding and exciting. But not unheard of...percentage-wise it is a drop in the bucket. But I was happy.

I wasn't as confident the second week. Now understand that usually by the second week I am already thinking I need to wear something lighter so that I weigh in better. But my resolve was not to think about what I wore and just go. I have one skirt that I wear more than any other and it is a heavy denim. I am going to wear it each week until it falls off...I have resolved that I would follow this program without trying to manipulate the scales.

So I found myself not as confident the second week. I was trying to explain this feeling to my partner the night before weigh-in. I knew I had followed the program just fine, writing everything down, eating what I needed but making good choices. But I just felt I had eaten too much because I was full all the time. In fact, I could have eatten less rather than eating all the points. But we are encouraged to eat all the pounts or else we will start feeling hungry and grab less interesting choices...because those cookies are there :)

So when I went Friday morning (just yesterday!) to weigh-in again I was pleased to see I had lost another three pounds.

The challenge this week is to have dinner meals ready to toss into the crockpot before I run for the bus. I have them all planned out--the what not necessarily the when, some lunches planned as well. I love this cookbook I have called Fix it and Forget It Lightly. The link I have for this book is a blog cookbook review. Great book. Good food. And low points for many.

Happy week!

Well I finally did it. I simply woke up one morning and decided it was time. It could have been the fact I had to roll off the bed like a Weeble. It could have been because I had trouble sleeping at night at times, sleeping with a pillow for side support. Or maybe it was because I was just tired of looking like a beached whale at times. But I did it. I **ONCE AGAIN** joined Weight Watchers. I needed to wait a few days before I could attend a meeting, but it was a definite decision.

I lost a great deal of weight before I had knee replacement surgery two years ago and thought I was strong enough to keep it off. I wasn't. I lost and then regained 60 pounds all within a year. I was not happy with the way I looked, but that unhappiness didn't keep me from continuing to eat richly and in bulk. In truth though, I enjoyed life. I did activities. I went places and did things. Generally I was a happy person. And yeppers I was waaaaaaaaaaay overweight.

I went through what everyone seems to go through when it comes to losing weight...maybe it will come off on it's own. Maybe I should try this diet plan or that diet plan. Maybe surgery is the answer. Maybe there was a miracle drug that will make my life completely different. What really held me back is that I didn't think I could do it. Why bother, I thought. It was too much work--day in and day out, counting points, counting calories, weighing food, worrying about portion control. Besides, I'll just fail again.

I rejoined Weight Watchers because I knew I was going to die of a heart attack. I just felt it coming on and I didn't want to die. Two days after my decision, on September 19, 2008, I walked back through that door in Vancouver Washington eager to get on with this project.

I am going to keep a blog of this journey in order to help myself keep track of the process. I am also posting weekly pictures of myself as part of my motivation, hoping that it motivates me when the going gets rough or I get tired of the battle.