I Accidently Summoned a Lemon!

 

I grew up in a house with parents who tended to be Passive-Aggressive. For example, they never told me what I did wrong; I had to guess. Dammit! There were too many choices! Since I was a dumb kid, I frequently didn't know that I had actually done something wrong, so my response was, "I didn't do anything!"  And their response was, "That's the problem!" I still don't know what that means.

One day I was visiting my sister and I accidentally shut a kitchen cupboard a bit too hard. She came into the kitchen and asked me if I was upset. I looked at her, trying to think what I did to be asked...aha! The cupboard door! And started to laugh. I told her at what I was laughing--Mom would never tell she was mad but slammed cupboard doors. Sis started laughing as well. Like Pavlov's dogs...there we were.

I majored in Communication in college. It was there I learned about double-binds and passive-aggressive communication. Recognizing this as behavior I had witnessed growing up and was actually practicing, I worked hard on how to respond in a positive manner rather than the same-ole-same-ole. Instead of trying to guess when Mom or someone would give a vague request that sounded like a loaded question, I learned to ask what was wanted. That way I could decide if I wanted to follow-through. Instead of having people guess what I was REALLY saying, I said what I was really saying. (and yet, how many men told me what I really meant. And I'd tell them if I had meant that, I'd have said that.  Some learned....)

And I learned how to calmly and responsibly argue with someone. I learned to take responsibility for how I feel and state it as such--instead of saying "you make me feel/angry/crazy," I'd say, "When you do this (describe the behavior), I feel this way," (describe how I respond). Now this was a great way to disagree as I am taking responsibility for how I am feeling and describing the behavior of the other. Hopefully this can help them not feel attacked and we can talk about the behaviors and the feelings. 

Okay, the truth about the best part of arguing was that I smoked.  Yes, it know it's a stinky horrible habit, but it was great when arguing.  I could think before speaking because I could take a puff or two before responding. And then the response could now be a thoughtful calm statement.

Yes, that was when I was a smoker. [un]Fortunately I quit smoking on March 24, 2001. And suddenly I had no filter! OMG! Everything that entered my head flew out of my mouth. I found I was terrible at the behaviors of staying calm and responding respectively!

I thought about taking up smoking again so I could get back to my good discussion behavior. But naw...that had been too much work quitting. So instead I started to try to practice calmness. 

Do you realize that when someone is calm while another is angry and frantic that this makes them more angry and frantic? Yeah I didn't either. Communication research says that we will match each others communication behavior...but either I'm suppose to get angry and frantic or I'm suppose to walk away because being calm never calms the other down. *sigh*

Well, there is a reason we are simply "practicing communication".  We all want to be understood; how we achieve that is often a mystery. I hope I can get this right at least a day before I die. 

Nirvana

and so it goes~~~
peace