Throwback Thursday: Turn Around Bright Eyes

When you are in a pandemic and have lots of extra time that is not being taken up with lunches with friends and running errands, you have lots of open time to think about things. You know, things like how to raise goats, why people won't wear masks, what's it like to walk on the moss in Ireland. You know. Thinking things. In that, I was thinking about the few times I have actually had a broken heart. 

A wonderful friend of mine's marriage just broke up. He and I have been talking for long periods of time about his relationship and his feelings. His fears and his depression. He has been very hard on himself. I remember that behavior.

In my 70 years, 25 of them between marriages, I've had many loves and lots of break-ups. I was recently reading my past diaries--I kept a diary from a year following my divorce in 1976 through the 1990s when I met my partner. As I was reading, I'd come across a name of someone I dated and wonder who the hell was that person. Mostly I'd smile at the antics--25-30 years gives you perspective. But I was also reminded of the few who left me with a broken heart.

Heartbreak really really sucks. I know it is a part of being human, experiencing life, but it really sucks. There is a wonderful article from Queensland Health, The Science Behind a Broken Heart that takes you behind the scenes of heartbreak (March, 2019-https://www.health.qld.gov.au/news-events/news/science-behind-a-broken-heart). It says, "Studies show that your brain registers the emotional pain of heartbreak in the same way as physical pain, which is why you might feel like your heartbreak is causing actual physical hurt." Some of the natural hormones your body produces can be lowered, which causes stress hormones to increase that bring on your fight-or-flight response. Unbalanced hormones can then contribute to anxiety, nausea, acne and weight gain. Heartbreak stuff.

So yeah. I've experienced heartbreak. We all have. Once in high school I had my heart broken. At 16, it is a forever angst sentence, isn't it? But, also at 16, it is a bit easier to get over. I fell in love again in my late 20s, early 30s. That heartbreak took me much longer to recover. I didn't date for a couple years following that break up. It brought on a depression that nearly wiped me out. But it didn't :) And then I had my heart broken again in my 40s. Those Internet loves can be intense.

Break up songs. So many break up songs. Songs that seem written just for you. I was long past the acute heartache and pain of my 20s heartbreak when I heard piano keys and then Bonnie Tyler sing "Turn around" (https://youtu.be/lcOxhH8N3Bo). It knocked the wind out of me and zoomed me once again into a total eclipse of my heart. I have always loved a solid blues beat but at that time came to really understand how the blues can fill you up. Music is comfort to your soul.

Obviously my style is to write about it. I use writing as something to get things out in the open, out of my head. When I was working on my relationship with my mom, I would write her letters that poured out every teeny tiny hurt she had ever caused me. Then I would read them the next day and shred them. When I quilt smoking, I wrote about it. It really helped me pull things out of my head and toss them away. In my diary, I once wrote, "I must be really sick. I reread these words to remember this pain. The pain is better than feeling nothing."

Funny that my divorce didn't cause me heartbreak. Perhaps because I was so glad to not be married to that man any longer. Unfortunately, he can still cause me heartache, but not for me; heartache for my sons. He keeps hurting them and in their own ways, they still keep trying to make some connection to him. So, never heartbreak. Mostly still, after 43 years, anger at this uncaring man.

So yeah it's a heart ache. It is physical and emotional pain. Mostly you gotta mourn through it. Don't try to avoid it, but take your blanket over to the corner and curl up, suck your thumb, and eat ice cream. Write about how you feel. Listen to sad and loving songs. Try the blues. Make some changes. As a woman, I cut my hair :) The one thing I had control over. And when you've given yourself some time to mourn, think about what it was that attracted you to the other. They are undoubtedly traits and aspects that others have. Then look for those qualities in others.

Those are the types of things that I did. According to my diary, I eventually moved on. Dated some guys names Alan and Doug, both of whom I don't remember. While I still have a difficult time to moving on, I can work through it. Just yesterday my fella put the winter quilt on the bed. THE WINTER QUILT! I had to breathe deeply a few times, smile and walk away in order to realize it didn't matter. It's just a quilt and he likes this one best. I know...that I had to breathe, smile and walk away to get over it makes me laugh, too.

And that's what I did, too :)
peace~~~