At What Point Do We Say We Are Now Grown-up?

Last month I turned 70 years old. Honestly, it feels so much like being 69....  That's the way it's been for me at every birthday. It just felt like I felt the day before; nothing changed, nothing TaDa!  Sometimes at this age I feel wise. Sometimes I feel smart. Sometimes I feel plain stupid because I've forgotten something--yesterday I couldn't remember my mother- and father-in-laws' names and had to ask. But generally I feel pretty much like a grown up would feel.

So, thinking about being a grown up, when does this actually happen? Is it when we graduate from high school? My path didn't include college, but instead I chose marriage and motherhood.

My sons with me at 25

Is that when it happens? 

Perhaps it is when we hit our forties? Fifties? I just am not sure. But here I am at 70 and I still wonder what it means to be a grown up.

I recently found my old diaries. I started these diaries in 1977, not long after my divorce from my children's father, and continued them through 1997. I meandered through my life, my loves, those often heartaches. I read through my goals, my achievements, through my fears. And all the time I wrote, I felt like I was a grown up. I mean, I didn't think about being a grown up, but just lived as if it was true :) But reflecting from the age of 70, I realized I wasn't really that grown up, wasn't really that in controlled of myself, but continued to be a bit naive and awe-struck at life. 

Here's an example. Now I wasn't shy about asking a man out. I had asked a thoroughly delightful man out to attend a Broadway play that came to Portland. I don't remember what it was.  Might have been Chicago, might have not. I could look it up, but I don't want to get up and search for the playbill. I was maybe 28. Going to a play and to dinner--how sophisticated and grown up was that? Now, please understand I had never been to a play outside of high school. I knew how to dress. I knew how to act on a date. It was good and exciting. Then came intermission.  We stand up to stretch and I ask where he would like to go for dinner.... He smiles at me and very nicely says, "I think we should wait until the play is over. Does that sound okay?" Oh gawd I was mortified! I thought it WAS over. As a gentleman, he pretended not to notice my embarrassment and never mentioned the faux pas again.  But I no longer felt like a grown up.

That type of thing happens to me all the time.  I once was asked if I could be any animal besides human, what would it be? I said I would be a slinky sophisticated black panther. I would be beautiful and in control of my every move.  I would be sophisticated and sleek. That's what "grown up" is all about, right?

But the reality is that I am not in control of my body. I bump into things. I find bruises and think, "Wow, that must have hurt!" but have no idea from where or when it happened. I trip over my own toes. My grandson teases me and walks behind me with his arms outstretched to catch me if/when I fall. I may stand tall but I am more like a happy waggity puppy. A puppy who laughs and lives out loud and is uncoordinated and just darn glad to see ya.  

So, at what point in time will I be grown up? I mean, I pay my bills and always have since I was 18 and out on my own. I take responsibility for my actions and have since I was a teenager.  I own stuff, worked hard at a job I loved, take care of my kids and grandies. Love my fella. I have always loved hard and true since I was a kid. Therefore, even though I'm not sophisticated and sleek, I must be a grown up. Right? But...but...but.

Hey, maybe being a grown up has nothing to do with feeling like a grown up. Maybe we never really grow up! We are always Peter Pan, but like Wendy, we continue toward being a grown up. Like searching for Nirvana. I have become wiser--I learned that intermission was just a stretching point. I have become more knowledgeable--I earned my Master's Degree and taught college for 30 years. I have become older. But not yet grown up.

Last month I turned 70 years old and I don't feel any different than when I was 69, or 68, or 53. I'm still living my life outloud :)

And so it goes
peace~~~