Friday, April 10, 2009

So What Is Going On?

I have been having a real struggle these last few weeks. My anxiety and stress level have been high. I thought a week off at Spring Break would help me calm down, but it really only increased the anxiety. I haven't weighed in since March 20, adding to my stress level.

In teaching half my classes online, I found I was working 24/7, with no time to relax. I would work my regular hours on campus and then go home and work my online class. I became so exhausted and cranky...which increased my anxiety level to the point of having a full-blown anxiety attack some days. I was eating just fine during these last few weeks, but when Friday came around to weigh in, I was holding 10+ pounds of fluid. I did not want to go in and have that in my face...even though I knew it wasn't me. It was discouraging.

Another discouraging thing is that even with losing 45 pounds, I don't have any new clothes to wear. I went shopping to get a new few things and found that everything fits the EXACT same way it fit before. And looks just as...hmmm....crappy. Doug doesn't agree; he thinks there are noticable changes, but he is not the one noticing the SAME SIZE still fits the SAME WAY. *sigh*

Then I went on break. The first few days I still did work, only not in the office. Phone calls from the dean. Phone calls and email from the Admin Assistant (I once called her "secretary" and she reacted as if I had called her a racial derogatory name. She would not speak to me for two days. It took me that long to figure out what was her problem). Finishing touches on my online classes. Hiring someone at the last minute to teach a newly added class. But I didn't want to stay up all night peeing the night before weigh in days and didn't want to weigh in with a 13 or more pound gain. So I didn't.

Instead I took myself and my fella to the coast. Perfect for relaxing. But that didn't happen. It was not meant to be! And I know this is very easy to slide down that slippery slop of eating whatever once you decide not to weigh in. I didn't do it the next Friday, either.

Last night I dropped over 8 pounds during the night, but my system really wants this fluid right now. So by the time I weighed in, I had regained a couple of those peed-out pounds. I was 6.5 pounds up. I would say I had a real gain of about two, two and a half pounds. The against stress I guess.

One good thing I did during the week off is I began swimming every morning. I found if I use swim fins I can move, even though my knee doesn't bend well. I will continue to swim every morning at school (once my eye recovers--I had to have a second surgery on my eye this week. Everything fine if not a bit more uncomfortable that the first surgery).

No new pictures. Nothing to see. But I made a promise to myself so I will get one taken this weekend. I also made a promise to see this through. Struggle or not, I am in this for the long haul. See you soon.



Wilma NC said...

Hang in there. You will get back on track.

Crispy said...

Massive cyber hugs to you Dori. I can even hear your stress in your writing. This is easy for me to say, but turn your phone(s) off after a certain time in the evenings, put comfy jammies on, grab a cuppa and read a non-intellectual book with an ending like, "They all lived happily ever after".

Take care of you!!


GARI said...

Weight isn't everything. It seems that looking for ways to relieve stress would be more important right now. You seem to take on an awful lot, way more than I would have. I am looking to de-clutter in my home. Maybe you need to de-clutter at work?