Those Little Things

There are some issues I feel the need to address :

There are so many things out there which surprise me.  I thought life was a complex system, but I did not realize how often it comes down to those little things which make or break us.  Like the fear of public speaking.  We fear this more than illness, dogs, heights or death.  Jerry Seinfeld once said, “We would rather die than give the eulogy.”  My students confirm this.  Georgie Jessel once said, “The brain is a wonderful thing; it never stops working from the time we are born until the moment we stand up to give a speech.”  My students’ grades confirm this.

It would seem that one of the greatest problems in any marriage--at least according to Ann Landers or Dear Abby or Ask Amy or any advice columnist, and the plethora of responses from her readers--is which way the toilet papers rolls off the tube.  I have never seen such prolific responses to any other issue.  It seems this may be a more important issue than money or control or interdependency.  Apparently those who like it to roll from the top are in the majority and are adamant about this flow.  My elder son says he actually changes how paper rolls off a tube when he visits “those idiots who do not know any better.”  Seems, if this is true, it may be a simple process in selecting a partner.  Just check out their toilet paper.  Okay!  Toilet paper.....check!  We are compatible!  I guess the issue of attraction is already there; you are after all in their bathroom.

There are other rules of toilet paper I have learned over time.   For example, you must replace the roll if you use the last of the paper.  Apparently all points are null and void if you sneakily refuse to use the very last of the tube and leave two or three squares hanging there in order to avoid changing the roll.  Another thing to remember is that you must leave the paper a clean break-off, not left hanging sloppily nor with the second ply off-skelter.  Oh yeah, and apparently men monitor the use of toilet paper as if it was the stock market or a precious commodity.  I was shocked when I left Doug’s place in Pittsburgh for three months (I had been back east on sabbatical) and he had just started using a new roll as I returned.  He said he had to “really stock up” when a woman friend was coming to visit us.  But perhaps 24 rolls for a three-day visit was a bit sarcastic?

Since we are in the bathroom, we might as well address that toilet seat.  Apparently men think it looks like an uncluttered, finished room to leave the seat up.  Many a marriage has broken up over this issue if we are to believe Dear Abby.  Women say they hate the feel of cold porcelain and/or toilet water against their bare skin when they stumble into the bathroom in the dark of night.  Men say women should check before they sit down.  Women say it is an easy matter for men to just put the seat down when they flush.  Men say it is not fair that they have to lift and unlift the seat and women only have to sit.  Think of the relationships which could be saved if each in the couple would put down both the seat and the lid--like closing a cupboard door :)

Another thing which seems to ruin relationships is the use of the word, “nice.”  As in, “How do I look?”  Men apparently do not understand the impact “nice” has on a woman.  Pay attention fellas; she will change clothes every time she looks “nice.”

Relationships at home are not the only problem.  There are many letters written to advice-people about issues in the office.  Like those people who leave the last tiny bit of coffee in the pot.  This happens even with huge signs around the coffee pot area which state, “The person who uses the last cup of coffee in the pot must make the next pot.”  All the ingredients are there; it takes about two minutes to start the next pot, but there are those who leave about a fourth of a cup in the pot to avoid making a new batch.  These are the same people who left a few drops of milk in the carton in the refrigerator to avoid tossing out the carton.  I think Abby suggests we shoot them, but I may have that wrong.

So go figure...all these issues and those like them are apparently the most important aspects in our lives.  They are more discussed than war or earthquakes or abuse.  Hey, come to think of it.....I wonder how Bush and Obama each unroll their toilet paper?
 
And the beat goes on......peace :)